The 7 stages of grief

It's 2017... YAY! Time to close the chapter of 2016, but before I do, allow me to reflect a little...

The last 12 months of this journey to motherhood, I think I have experienced all 7 stages of grief--sometimes cycling through all 7 in a matter of a week!

Check out the visual...

I can safely say that most days I am wavering between #6 and #7. While, I have come to the place of accepting my situation for what it is, I still have moments when I wonder "what if". What if I miraculously conceived on my own? What if another 2 years go by and I'm not any closer to having a child in my arms? What if literally all of my family and friends have children and I'm the only one who doesn't? What if we decide to spend the money on IVF and it's unsuccessful? Maybe the most painful one is... What if it's not in God's will for me to have a child at all?

Those questions still loom in the recesses of my mind from time to time. And when they inevitably float into consciousness, they still sting. Thankfully, that happens less and less. Also, the sting of the hurt from those questions has become much less painful. I am thankful that God is healing my heart and growing my capacity to trust him to know what is best for me. I no longer see this infertility struggle as a punishment. It's just part of my story. The story that involves becoming more and more like Jesus and ends with eternity in heaven. Someone said once that everything this side of heaven prepares us for our purpose in eternity; so... maybe mine will have something to do with loving children. Who knows...

Until next time...

My awakening

It's been about a month and half since my last blog post on here. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and inner healing lately and it's been nothing short of magnificent.

I found a ministry in the metro area called "Dance Again Ministries" and it has been awesome to see and experience God using that ministry as a way of breaking spiritual lies and the accompanying bondage. Not only that, but God has been revealing himself to me in ways I've never before experienced. There really are no words to describe how incredibly liberating this whole spiritual endeavor has become. For the first time in many many months, I truly feel at peace. I also can safely say that I finally feel JOY in my life. When churchy-folk talk about the freedom found in Christ... Wow! Now that I have tasted it for myself... their church jargon versions of "peace", "joy", and "freedom" are such a second rate version of what those things look like in reality.

So, needless to say--but I'm going to anyhow--God has really been wrecking my world in the absolute best way possible.

You may be wondering where that leaves me and what that means for this pursuit of procreation. Let me tell ya...

Jason and I are taking this thing called infertility one day at a time. As much as I'd love to say otherwise, I don't know when or if we'll ever conceive a child. I don't know if we'll do IVF like the doctor suggested. I don't know if we'll try to adopt. I don't know if we'll foster. I literally know nothing about what the future looks like for us. And I'm at peace with that. I have a hunch that there may be some fostering in the future for us, but nothing is set in stone. We have tentatively planned to pursue IVF in the future; although, we don't know when that might happen.

For me, it's becoming less and less about what I DON'T have and more about what I already do have. I have so much love in my heart that I would completely lavish on our own child, if given the chance, but if that's not in the cards for us... I can lavish that same love onto others. That's really what it means to be a follower of Christ anyhow.

Mainly, I don't feel stressed or pressured anymore. No stress?! I know, it sounds absurd! Especially for anyone who is in the throes of infertility. I get it! Trust me; I do! To say this journey has been rough is like the understatement of the century! It is the equivalent to an emotional roller coaster to say the least. But I have came to a place of trusting God. (NOT at all easy for me!) I still have some doubts lurking back in the recesses of my mind, but they're small and they don't shout as loudly anymore. I have come to an understanding of who God is and how he loves me. I no longer feel that this infertility thing is a punishment, like I did for every stinking day of the first 2 years. I know that my heavenly Father has a plan and, while I don't know all the details, I know it's gonna be good! It's like any of the upteen million super hero movies and shows... There's a hero. There's a villain. There are many supporting characters who are both good and bad. Inevitably, there will be a conflict of some sort between said hero and villain. And the hero always wins. Sure, sometimes, there's the dramatic scene where the hero gets his butt handed to him a little, but then, there's the morale-boosting pep talk and he comes back stronger than ever and ready to take that villain down. Right? So, that's like my story. I don't know the filler details, but I know that --because of God's infinite love for me-- I will always come out on top. I'm on the winning team, y'all. As believers, we all are. Some cynical folks may say that it's blind faith and they'd be completely wrong. Blind faith is what I had before. Now that I had my literal come to Jesus meeting, I know that the end may turn out quite a bit differently than I expected, but I can be okay with whatever plot twists come my way. It may be terrible in the moment, but I can find comfort in knowing that something wonderful is up ahead.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Sidenote, if anyone would be interested... there's a book called "I Don't Wait Anymore" by Grace Thornton. That book was kind of the thing that challenged me to see things differently and start seeking God in a completely new way. I highly recommend it!

Until Next Time...

Nothingness.

It's been about a month since I got the bad news at the appointment for the HSG.

I have felt pretty aimless lately. Just when I think my emotions have run the gamut and there are no surprises left in this infertility saga... Well, turns out I'm wrong. I wasn't prepared for the hollow feeling left lurking after the long held visions and dreams have been savagely ripped from me. I wasn't ready for that vacant feeling. I wasn't ready for apathy.

My cycle came yesterday and I didn't even bat an eye. No sting of disappointment. No anger. None of it. It was just like every other period prior to getting off birth control. ...And I don't quite know what to do with that. Part of me is relieved to not have to obsess over every little detail and ride the emotional roller coaster of "TTC"; then, another part of me feels sad that I've gotten to the point of not admitting defeat.

I feel like I have... Like I am. I'm feeling more and more like the reality of ever having a child is drifting further and further out of reach and all I can do is just watch it happen.

Ugh. This crap sucks.


Until Next Time...

Doctor's orders

My appointment with the fertility doctor was yesterday. It was relatively painless... :)

He ordered blood work for me and a semen analysis for J.  He said because I'm overweight, he just wants to check some additional hormones, my insulin levels, and blood sugar levels. So, I'm going in for a fasting blood test this morning. Even though, my blood sugar and all of that has never been a problem before, I admit I am a little nervous that it may come back poorly.  We'll see... The doctor said I don't have a lot of the symptoms associated with being overweight, but he wants to verify that it's not lurking underneath the surface, so to speak. They are doing a "rush" on the blood work so if there is anything off or any concerns, they'll know and I should hear something tomorrow or Monday. So, at least, I won't have to wait forever to find out.

They also told me that since my period is due any day, I will need to call the clinic and go in while I am still bleeding so they can do an ultrasound and monitor my egg count. They'll also do an X-ray to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked. Once, they get the results of those initial test, we'll move forward.

Anyhow, for the first time, I felt really validated in my concerns. He gave us so much information and was so extremely helpful and very kind. Even with the issue of my weight, he was very tactful and not shaming like some doctors are. He did say that even though he doesn't think the weight is the real issue, he suggests I try to lose a few pounds just to make the pregnancy easier on my body.

So, I plan to go join a gym up the road and also really give my eating habits some attention.

That's that. I hope to have more direction and answers by the end of next week, but I definitely feel like we're taking steps in the right direction. I'm hopeful that we can get the answers and (MAYBE) get a positive pregnancy test by Christmas. Fingers crossed.

Until next time...

Mixed feelings

I'm feeling so many different emotions today. This whole TTC thing is crazy! So, I use the fertility friend app and also the glow app. I am not a huge fan of the latter. It always seems to be much less reliable, but I do like that you can enter more specific information. Just yesterday, I opened my FF app and it had projected my ov date as CD23, which would be confirmed by my temps, my CM, and the OPK I took. It also projected my next cycle would be due on CD35 (the 15th). I just opened the app for the first time since I put in my temp this morning and it now has changed. I, honestly, have no idea what that is about.

I feel frustrated that these freaking apps can't help me know what is going on. I thought they had algorithms and all that crap??? I'm also frustrated that we've been trying this for 2 years and have had NOTHING happen yet. At the same time, I am hopeful that this will be the month, I am pretty sure our timing was great. The one thing I am concerned about is the weird delay in ovulation and the fact that I never really reached EWCM, at one point I was close, but it was very sparse. Anyhow, one minute I am so convinced it's going to happen this month and the next I feel so very discouraged.  All I can say is that if it doesn't happen this month, hubby is taking a trip to get his boys checked ASAP.

I think of every possible scenario that could be hindering this process and it makes me just go insane. I so badly want our little one. This is so hard!

Better late than never

So, it's day 22 in my cycle and my cycle typically lasts 30-31 days total. Ever since I have stated charting BBT, CM, and taking ovulation tests, my ovulation day has always fallen around day 17 or 18. So when I started testing on day 13 this month and the positive wasn't coming, I started to become concerned thinking my body was skipping a month. Most of the time, they tell you to stop testing after so many consecutive negatives, but I persisted. So this morning, I FINALLY had my positive... a beautiful little smiley face. I think my ovulation was most likely delayed due to the sudden increase in my activity level. With remodeling... some days are quite an intense workout!

So now it's GO time. Perfect timing since the hubs and I were already planning a little date night of sorts tonight. I'm nervous though because J said this morning he wasn't feeling too well because of his allergies. Some allergy meds he takes can completely kill his libido or make it to where he is unable to show up for "the grand finale". And we kinda need that for everything to go according to plan!

We'll see. I'm hoping things pan out, but... time will tell, right?

If we were pregnant this cycle, according to Baby Center, my due date would be April 22nd. I think that sounds like a great time to have a little one! An Easter baby! Easter is April 16th!  I'm so ready. So so so ready!

Raw nerves

So, I was right. AF came on Tuesday afternoon/evening. I was kind of bummed about it.

Just yesterday, I was chatting with a co-worker over coffee at Barnes and Noble when she mentioned that she'd been pregnant a few years ago and miscarried at 5 months. I was so sad for her. I confessed to her that hubby and I have been TTC for just under 2 years now to no avail.

I've been really cranky the last few weeks and I realized that might be why. I started crying and had to choke back the tears. There was a nerve that had definitely been struck. I felt raw and exposed.

Anyhow, I think I have decided to seek counseling. That made me realize how much of this stuff I'm not processing through and it's really beginning to get the best of me. I just reached out to a counselor to start seeking services. I wish they had counselors that specialized in fertility kind of issues.

This TTC thing is terribly alienating. I feel like I have to keep it all to myself and that sucks. My husband is super supportive, but it's still hard to even talk to him about it because I don't want it to come off as blaming or guilting him or anything. Even my sister who had her own issues with getting pregnant doesn't really seem to "get" where I am coming from. It's very hard.

I guess I really do just need someone to talk to and work through this crap with...

Another fruitless month

Today I am on CD 30 and 13 DPO. I have been feeling some odd cramps--very mild--today and also feeling very cranky and irritable. I am pretty confident I'm out of the running for a baby this month.

Also, I just went to the restroom and noticed some very light spotting. I don't know if this is breakthrough bleeding or if it's the end of another fruitless cycle. I am feeling like it's the latter, but I just don't want to give up yet.

I'm feeling kind of down and out about this still... and I'm desperately trying to keep it together. I can imagine hubby's eyes lighting up when I tell him we're pregnant. I can envision my in-laws bursting into tears and some playful jabs saying "It's about damn time!" I can see my friends and family jumping for joy. I can see the growing belly and imagine the joy when I feel a little one move for the first time. I can imagine bawling my eyes out the first time I hear the heartbeat. I want it. I want it all. And I just can't have it. It's so gut-wrenching.

Sigh.

So, I tested AGAIN. This time on 10 DPO...another BFN. Not sure why I do this to myself. I guess the good thing is it shows I've not completely lost hope.

So, listen to this...
I also had an old friend from college who's wife just gave birth this week so that was on Facebook. Another Facebook friend just announced she's expecting her 2nd child. My aunt--she's only 3.5 years older though--is due any freaking day now with her 3rd, which was unplanned, but still a very joyous occasion. My lesbian friend from HS is roughly halfway through her pregnancy... not to mention the 2 other people on Facebook who are preggers. Oh and 1 girl at work is on maternity leave. Two more girls are pregnant. I went to a workshop/seminar this weekend... the presenter? Pregnant. Even my primary care physician and my gyno are pregnant!!!

But me? NOT pregnant. 

Can I just be honest and say that while I am very happy for all of these people in my life, I am starting to get a little pissed off that this is proving to be so difficult for us when the rest of the world is all a-buzz with their easy breezy pregnancies. Or so it seems. I feel so defeated sometimes. Like... what the heck is wrong with me that I can't accomplish what comes so damn easy for everyone else? It's really proving to be quite difficult to stay positive and optimistic. Truth be told, I feel angry with God for keeping this from me. I feel resentful toward Him of my situation. I really do.

*deep breath*

I am resolving to not count myself out just yet this month. Here it is Monday. I took my last test first thing in the morning yesterday. I'm hoping I am pregnant but my hcG levels were just low enough they weren't detected. My Fertility Friend app AND my Glow app both have my expected period set for Wednesday. I really hope it doesn't come... I'm hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers. I'm ready for my BFP to finally come.

Patience is a virtue

I am not sure if these TTC sites and apps are doing more harm than good or what. I was on my Glow app and was reading some of the board posts. A few ladies were like 6-8 DPO and tested and got a positive result. That made me want to test even more to find out. So I went and bought some early response tests yesterday and took one this morning. Nope. BFN. But I am still remaining hopeful.

When I put that I tested on my Fertility Friend app, it popped up a little tidbit about testing too early and what they have discovered through researching other women's charts on their apps. It said the best time to test for most women is after 10 DPO, and particularly on the actual day your cycle is due to start.

I visited www.twoweekwait.com at the suggestion of another poster and posted a question on their boards about DPO and testing. So far, everyone who has replied that has received their BFP, tested after on day 10 with one gal testing on day 12. Today is 8DPO for me.

Patience is really not one of my strong points.

Oh... sidenote... I work in the mental health field, working with kids. Today one of my 14 yo girl clients says out of the blue, "You'll be a great mom when you have kids." I thought... "Hun, if you only knew!" Still it was great hearing someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level say that.

Back at it...

This cycle was back on the wagon as far as ovulation testing and giving it our best at timing the baby-dancing to optimize our chance of success. I'm currently 6 DPO. I've been having super duper sore breasts pretty much since ovulation passed. That's really the only noticeable symptom thus far, which could go either way. It's either early PMS or pregnancy. Fingers crossed for the latter. I'm feeling really hopeful this cycle... I am not sure why exactly, but I am. AF is due to arrive next Wednesday so we should know soon enough!

Until next time...

Holes

I have no news. I'm bummed. I feel so hopeless sometimes. My heart aches for a baby to love and my arms yearn for a child to hold. It's killing me. I am so tired of waiting. It's been a year now with no success and I find myself doubting that it can/will ever happen for us. I don't even know how I feel. It's like there's a hole in my soul...

Day by day

Since making the decision to not obsess over every little detail of this baby-making adventure, my stress level has gone down dramatically and I feel great about it. It is one less thing to worry about every day. 

So, I have logged into my fertility app a handful of times this cycle. I know it had projected my ovulation date to be last Saturday based of my prior cycles. We did do the baby dance that day, but it wasn't intentional like in past months. 

The only things I have noticed are that my boobs have been SUPER sensitive since around 5 or 6 DPO. I also have noticed that --even though I've lost about 13 lbs-- my belly looks more bloated and full than it did before. I don't know. It could just be that I am losing weight everywhere except my belly making my belly look bigger. 

Other than that... no news on the homefront. 

Until next time... 

Baby Steps

I am still making a point to NOT take my temperature every morning. I have logged onto my Fertility Friend app maybe 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks, which is a big deal for me considering I was logging in AT LEAST once a day if not more. 

I have been trying to have faith and trust in God's timing for all of this. I know He is in control of all things and there is nothing too big or too small for God. And I will say, I have had more peace since making the decision to give this area over to Him instead of trying to micromanage it. God has been working on me and bringing me closer to Him. So that has helped dramatically, but I still think about it and worry a little. I don't think I will ever FULLY relax until it actually happens... Maybe not even then! Ha! I pray for a baby. I also pray for our Lord to give me peace in the waiting period and to trust in His promises. Jesus knows that patience has never been a real asset for me! I always struggle in that, but I am trying. Pardon the pun, but... Baby steps. 

So, I know my usual ov date is around CD 17, which is supposed to be this weekend. We'll see if this month is more fruitful. Honestly, I am not sweating it too much though because now that the husband and I have booked a trip to Hawaii, I'm okay if we don't get preggers until after the trip. As my best friend pointed out, "You don't know how pregnancy will affect you and the last thing you want is to be miserable with morning sickness when you're in Hawaii." So true. 

Anyhow, I have my annual exam coming up. I need to get that scheduled for next month. I plan to talk to her about the baby-making thing. We'll see if she has any tips or if we make any discoveries. Part of me worries that I may have undiagnosed PCOS because I do have several of the symptoms, but time will tell. 

So, that's that. Not much else to say as of now. I'll update after my doctor visit, if not before then.

Until next time...

Letting go and letting God.

I was really disappointed and upset last week. After being off the pill since September with no success, in July we dramatically kicked up the frequency of our "baby-dancing" performances. Around day 7 after ovulation, I started experiencing some slight nausea and I was certain that was a good sign that our efforts had finally proven to be fruitful. However, once again, I was wrong. Aunt Flo showed up a day later than my app projected and she showed up with a fury...

So, when the intense period cramps started coming Tuesday night, I knew that it wasn't going to happen for us this month. Then, I started feeling really disappointed... which turned into sadness... which turned into feeling really frustrated/annoyed... which turned into feeling like a failure... AGAIN. The same old song and dance, but then... a new feeling... anger with God. I felt mad at God and hurt that he was "holding out on me". Then I thought, Maybe this is punishment for all of the stupid stuff and bad decisions I made in my past. Surely, God is teaching me a lesson of some sort. 

It turns out, God was teaching me a lesson, but not like I was thinking. As if to answer my unspoken questions, God brought to mind a recent sermon from church. Just that prior Sunday, my church began a sermon series on "God is Good" and the different names of God. That first week we discussed how God's name is "Yahweh-nissi" (Exodus 17:9-15) which means God is our banner. So long as we are under the banner of Jesus, we have victory. In spite of this, many Christians still feel like they are nowhere near victorious in their lives. Pastor E challenged us to stop and reflect on which "camp" we're in... talking about how the Israelite men were led away from God and brought a curse upon themselves when they began to worship the idols of Moab (Numbers 23:5 through 25:3). "So," Pastor said, "What tent are you in? What do you worship?"

Later in the message, Pastor referenced Exodus 3 and said, "We have victory in surrender. We fail when we try to do it without God."  And then, he said, something deeply profound that stuck with me, "God can't fully be 'I AM' until I fully realize that 'I am not'." 

Sorry to derail, but that was an important part of the story, I promise.

So, as I lay on my bed with the husband holding me as I cry my frustrations into my pillow, God brings this to mind. During that prior service, I began to feel the Holy Spirit gently speaking to me, but I pushed it away. However, in that moment of brokenness, God's voice came ringing through, "This is your idol, Amber." Images of my tireless dedication to this thing called "TTC" flashed into my mind. The very first thing, before I am even coherent, I grab the pink thermometer from the top of my night stand and wait for the reading that I then enter into my app. Every day. Period? Put it in the app. Unusual symptoms? Put it in the app. Have sex? Put it in the app. I became keenly aware of how I probably spent WAY more time in my fertility friend app than I did in prayer or reading my bible. 

I felt convicted. 

I remembered hearing how God is "a jealous God". Here's the scripture that comes from...

"Do not make an idol for yourself, whether in the shape of anything in the heavens above or on the earth below or in the waters under the earth. You must not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the fathers’ sin, to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing faithful love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commands." Exodus 20:4-6 (HSCB)

I knew in my heart this was the truth of the matter. Having a baby had become my god and I paid homage to it every single day and throughout the day. I served it with total devotion and I knew I would never reach the next level in my relationship with Christ so long as my hypothetical babies came first. 

So... much as it has pained me to do so, I have decide to take a leap of faith and trust God to fulfill his promises. I have given God control of my job and my relationships, but this thing was so precious to me, I felt like I couldn't afford to let God take control. The truth is, we can't afford to NOT let God take control. 

In my morning quiet time, I recalled something I'd read in the bible that led me to this verse, "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." 

I still believe God wants me to be a mother, but maybe God's will is not for that to happen when I want it to happen--which, ideally, would have been months ago! :) So, I have decided to not monitor my BBT anymore and I am trying to stay off my app entirely. I'm learning that trusting in God also means trusting in His timing. He IS in the baby-making business; he invented it afterall! 

"Then God remembered Rachel. He listened to her and opened her womb." -Genesis 30:22 (HSCB)

"...And consider your relative Elizabeth—even she has conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called childless. For nothing will be impossible with God.” -Luke 1:36-37 (HSCB)

Baby on board?

I've been on birth control consistently since 2003 with the only exception being when I was too poor to pay the $10 and got off of it for a month in December 2004 and another month in January 2011. I got off the birth control two weeks prior to getting married (September 2014). The hubs and I have been TTC since February and I started taking my basal body temperature every morning since the beginning of March 2015. It's now been just over 5 months. We've not had any known pregnancies or miscarriages.

Thus month, I am feeling like maybe we might have actually been successful. 

1. DH made a comment on day post-roll in the hay and said he wanted us to have sex "like every day" that way we might get preggers. So we have been doing the baby dance a lot more frequently than past months. 
2. A weird thing happened yesterday (CD 28/6 DPO), I felt nauseated after sex. Weird, I know! It was slight and I didn't vomit. It only lasted maybe a minute, but here's the thing... that has never happened to me before. At least, not that I can recall!  
3. Then, today, I took my BBT and there was a huge jump in my temp... from 98.17 yesterday to 98.9 today. According to my app, my estimated date of ovulation was August 2nd (CD 22) so I am currently 7 DPO.  
4. While I was at church this morning, I had a moment of being lightheaded. Again, just for a moment. 
5. Today I have been having little bouts of very mild nausea. The first was this morning when I was eating the biscuits and gravy DH made for breakfast. Then, after church and, again, during/after dinner. It's super mild though. I could just be imagining it. Lol! 

So, I am exhibiting some of the early indicators, but I realize... Crap happens! It could also just be a fluke. I'm trying not to get my hopes set on this, but JUST IN CASE I actually am, I wanted to make note of this so I could look back and remember today was the day, I first thought I was pregnant. 

I thought about telling Jason, but I don't want to get his hopes up until I know for sure. The good thing is my cycles are usually 31 or 32 days, so I don't have much longer to wait before I'll know. Before entering my BBT yesterday, the projected date for AF was this Wednesday (the 12th), but now it's been moved to the 17th, which would be CD 36. So, I have NO idea what to expect. If my cycle isn't here by Friday morning, I think I am going to take a test that morning.  So, we'll see how things go... Fingers crossed!