Nothingness.

It's been about a month since I got the bad news at the appointment for the HSG.

I have felt pretty aimless lately. Just when I think my emotions have run the gamut and there are no surprises left in this infertility saga... Well, turns out I'm wrong. I wasn't prepared for the hollow feeling left lurking after the long held visions and dreams have been savagely ripped from me. I wasn't ready for that vacant feeling. I wasn't ready for apathy.

My cycle came yesterday and I didn't even bat an eye. No sting of disappointment. No anger. None of it. It was just like every other period prior to getting off birth control. ...And I don't quite know what to do with that. Part of me is relieved to not have to obsess over every little detail and ride the emotional roller coaster of "TTC"; then, another part of me feels sad that I've gotten to the point of not admitting defeat.

I feel like I have... Like I am. I'm feeling more and more like the reality of ever having a child is drifting further and further out of reach and all I can do is just watch it happen.

Ugh. This crap sucks.


Until Next Time...