The last 12 months of this journey to motherhood, I think I have experienced all 7 stages of grief--sometimes cycling through all 7 in a matter of a week!
Check out the visual...
I can safely say that most days I am wavering between #6 and #7. While, I have come to the place of accepting my situation for what it is, I still have moments when I wonder "what if". What if I miraculously conceived on my own? What if another 2 years go by and I'm not any closer to having a child in my arms? What if literally all of my family and friends have children and I'm the only one who doesn't? What if we decide to spend the money on IVF and it's unsuccessful? Maybe the most painful one is... What if it's not in God's will for me to have a child at all?
Those questions still loom in the recesses of my mind from time to time. And when they inevitably float into consciousness, they still sting. Thankfully, that happens less and less. Also, the sting of the hurt from those questions has become much less painful. I am thankful that God is healing my heart and growing my capacity to trust him to know what is best for me. I no longer see this infertility struggle as a punishment. It's just part of my story. The story that involves becoming more and more like Jesus and ends with eternity in heaven. Someone said once that everything this side of heaven prepares us for our purpose in eternity; so... maybe mine will have something to do with loving children. Who knows...
Until next time...
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