I was really disappointed and upset last week. After being off the pill since September with no success, in July we dramatically kicked up the frequency of our "baby-dancing" performances. Around day 7 after ovulation, I started experiencing some slight nausea and I was certain that was a good sign that our efforts had finally proven to be fruitful. However, once again, I was wrong. Aunt Flo showed up a day later than my app projected and she showed up with a fury...
So, when the intense period cramps started coming Tuesday night, I knew that it wasn't going to happen for us this month. Then, I started feeling really disappointed... which turned into sadness... which turned into feeling really frustrated/annoyed... which turned into feeling like a failure... AGAIN. The same old song and dance, but then... a new feeling... anger with God. I felt mad at God and hurt that he was "holding out on me". Then I thought, Maybe this is punishment for all of the stupid stuff and bad decisions I made in my past. Surely, God is teaching me a lesson of some sort.
It turns out, God was teaching me a lesson, but not like I was thinking. As if to answer my unspoken questions, God brought to mind a recent sermon from church. Just that prior Sunday, my church began a sermon series on "God is Good" and the different names of God. That first week we discussed how God's name is "Yahweh-nissi" (Exodus 17:9-15) which means God is our banner. So long as we are under the banner of Jesus, we have victory. In spite of this, many Christians still feel like they are nowhere near victorious in their lives. Pastor E challenged us to stop and reflect on which "camp" we're in... talking about how the Israelite men were led away from God and brought a curse upon themselves when they began to worship the idols of Moab (Numbers 23:5 through 25:3). "So," Pastor said, "What tent are you in? What do you worship?"
Later in the message, Pastor referenced Exodus 3 and said, "We have victory in surrender. We fail when we try to do it without God." And then, he said, something deeply profound that stuck with me, "God can't fully be 'I AM' until I fully realize that 'I am not'."
Sorry to derail, but that was an important part of the story, I promise.
So, as I lay on my bed with the husband holding me as I cry my frustrations into my pillow, God brings this to mind. During that prior service, I began to feel the Holy Spirit gently speaking to me, but I pushed it away. However, in that moment of brokenness, God's voice came ringing through, "This is your idol, Amber." Images of my tireless dedication to this thing called "TTC" flashed into my mind. The very first thing, before I am even coherent, I grab the pink thermometer from the top of my night stand and wait for the reading that I then enter into my app. Every day. Period? Put it in the app. Unusual symptoms? Put it in the app. Have sex? Put it in the app. I became keenly aware of how I probably spent WAY more time in my fertility friend app than I did in prayer or reading my bible.
I felt convicted.
I remembered hearing how God is "a jealous God". Here's the scripture that comes from...
"Do not make an idol for yourself, whether in the shape of anything in the heavens above or on the earth below or in the waters under the earth. You must not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the fathers’ sin, to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing faithful love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commands." Exodus 20:4-6 (HSCB)
I knew in my heart this was the truth of the matter. Having a baby had become my god and I paid homage to it every single day and throughout the day. I served it with total devotion and I knew I would never reach the next level in my relationship with Christ so long as my hypothetical babies came first.
So... much as it has pained me to do so, I have decide to take a leap of faith and trust God to fulfill his promises. I have given God control of my job and my relationships, but this thing was so precious to me, I felt like I couldn't afford to let God take control. The truth is, we can't afford to NOT let God take control.
In my morning quiet time, I recalled something I'd read in the bible that led me to this verse, "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
I still believe God wants me to be a mother, but maybe God's will is not for that to happen when I want it to happen--which, ideally, would have been months ago! :) So, I have decided to not monitor my BBT anymore and I am trying to stay off my app entirely. I'm learning that trusting in God also means trusting in His timing. He IS in the baby-making business; he invented it afterall!
"Then God remembered Rachel. He listened to her and opened her womb." -Genesis 30:22 (HSCB)
"...And consider your relative Elizabeth—even she has conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called childless. For nothing will be impossible with God.” -Luke 1:36-37 (HSCB)
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