Waiting

*deep breath*

Okay. I finished my Clomid. Now, I'm waiting for the HSG to be performed on Wednesday. I've been doing some research on what it is and how it's performed. In my research, I happened upon a positive side effect of the procedure... Apparently, it can greatly increase the likelihood of conception. Not sure how or why, but so many people on the message board say that they tried for 2 or 3 years before getting an HSG and then, BAM!, pregnant. I hope so! Gosh, do I hope! That would be so wonderful.

Anyhow, the Clomid was fine. No real issues. I did notice that last day some heightened emotions (i.e. choking up at a random TV show), but nothing more than that.

That's about all for now... I'm just waiting. Story of my friggin' life!

Until next time...

Time to bring in the reinforcements...

No baby yet. It's been pretty disheartening, to say the least. I feel like a broken record with all of this...

This month makes 2 years of going through this process and I am beginning to lose hope. After last month, when I thought we did everything right and STILL no baby... I decided to go ahead and schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist. The appointment is later today.

I am feeling nervous, excited, hopeful, and yet I'm mentally preparing myself for another disappointment. I've heard tremendous things about the doctor we're going to see so I'm praying that he is able to provide some answers for us or at least give us some direction in this process.

To make things worse, I just left a client's home and there was a relative there who was obviously nearing the end of her pregnancy and she was toking away on her cigarette while I was there. It made me so annoyed and angry. Like... this person can get pregnant? But I can't?! Yeah... It's crazy to me how this world works sometimes.

Anyhow, J is coming with me to the appointment and I am very grateful that he is taking the time off of work to be there to provide some support and also seek some answers. One thing I am very thankful for, is that the nightmare of this "TTC journey" has not ruined us. There have been some stressful points, but, overall, we have really only become stronger as a result of this crap. So, that is something that gives me some faith and hope.

...In other news, J's parents have come down to help us with the house a couple of weekends last month. One weekend, J's mom helped me re-paint the nursery. The initial color I picked seemed kind of dark for the space so we left an accent wall in that color and painted the other 3 a much lighter shade. I know it's odd, but her helping paint the room that will, hopefully, someday hold our little one gave me such joy. It's great that J's parents are so supportive and his mom never even gave me grief when I told her about the "baby mojo" story. She just acted like it was perfectly normal, even though... I know it's not. Lol!

I've been seeing a counselor for a few weeks now and that has helped a lot in so many ways. I, honestly, can't even express how much it has helped me so far!

I'd better get going. I have another client to see. Say prayers for me today! I'll share feedback later...


Until Next Time...

Another fruitless month

Today I am on CD 30 and 13 DPO. I have been feeling some odd cramps--very mild--today and also feeling very cranky and irritable. I am pretty confident I'm out of the running for a baby this month.

Also, I just went to the restroom and noticed some very light spotting. I don't know if this is breakthrough bleeding or if it's the end of another fruitless cycle. I am feeling like it's the latter, but I just don't want to give up yet.

I'm feeling kind of down and out about this still... and I'm desperately trying to keep it together. I can imagine hubby's eyes lighting up when I tell him we're pregnant. I can envision my in-laws bursting into tears and some playful jabs saying "It's about damn time!" I can see my friends and family jumping for joy. I can see the growing belly and imagine the joy when I feel a little one move for the first time. I can imagine bawling my eyes out the first time I hear the heartbeat. I want it. I want it all. And I just can't have it. It's so gut-wrenching.

Sigh.

So, I tested AGAIN. This time on 10 DPO...another BFN. Not sure why I do this to myself. I guess the good thing is it shows I've not completely lost hope.

So, listen to this...
I also had an old friend from college who's wife just gave birth this week so that was on Facebook. Another Facebook friend just announced she's expecting her 2nd child. My aunt--she's only 3.5 years older though--is due any freaking day now with her 3rd, which was unplanned, but still a very joyous occasion. My lesbian friend from HS is roughly halfway through her pregnancy... not to mention the 2 other people on Facebook who are preggers. Oh and 1 girl at work is on maternity leave. Two more girls are pregnant. I went to a workshop/seminar this weekend... the presenter? Pregnant. Even my primary care physician and my gyno are pregnant!!!

But me? NOT pregnant. 

Can I just be honest and say that while I am very happy for all of these people in my life, I am starting to get a little pissed off that this is proving to be so difficult for us when the rest of the world is all a-buzz with their easy breezy pregnancies. Or so it seems. I feel so defeated sometimes. Like... what the heck is wrong with me that I can't accomplish what comes so damn easy for everyone else? It's really proving to be quite difficult to stay positive and optimistic. Truth be told, I feel angry with God for keeping this from me. I feel resentful toward Him of my situation. I really do.

*deep breath*

I am resolving to not count myself out just yet this month. Here it is Monday. I took my last test first thing in the morning yesterday. I'm hoping I am pregnant but my hcG levels were just low enough they weren't detected. My Fertility Friend app AND my Glow app both have my expected period set for Wednesday. I really hope it doesn't come... I'm hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers. I'm ready for my BFP to finally come.

Patience is a virtue

I am not sure if these TTC sites and apps are doing more harm than good or what. I was on my Glow app and was reading some of the board posts. A few ladies were like 6-8 DPO and tested and got a positive result. That made me want to test even more to find out. So I went and bought some early response tests yesterday and took one this morning. Nope. BFN. But I am still remaining hopeful.

When I put that I tested on my Fertility Friend app, it popped up a little tidbit about testing too early and what they have discovered through researching other women's charts on their apps. It said the best time to test for most women is after 10 DPO, and particularly on the actual day your cycle is due to start.

I visited www.twoweekwait.com at the suggestion of another poster and posted a question on their boards about DPO and testing. So far, everyone who has replied that has received their BFP, tested after on day 10 with one gal testing on day 12. Today is 8DPO for me.

Patience is really not one of my strong points.

Oh... sidenote... I work in the mental health field, working with kids. Today one of my 14 yo girl clients says out of the blue, "You'll be a great mom when you have kids." I thought... "Hun, if you only knew!" Still it was great hearing someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level say that.

Back at it...

This cycle was back on the wagon as far as ovulation testing and giving it our best at timing the baby-dancing to optimize our chance of success. I'm currently 6 DPO. I've been having super duper sore breasts pretty much since ovulation passed. That's really the only noticeable symptom thus far, which could go either way. It's either early PMS or pregnancy. Fingers crossed for the latter. I'm feeling really hopeful this cycle... I am not sure why exactly, but I am. AF is due to arrive next Wednesday so we should know soon enough!

Until next time...

Plans

So, my birthday was earlier this week. I'm now 31. It feels weird to say that...

It's crazy how I always had ideas in my head of where I'd be at 30 or what my life would look like and I feel so far from those visions...
I pictured being married and comfortably established in my marriage with a quaint little home and two or three kids bouncing around the house with a couple of dogs playing in the yard. I NEVER thought I'd be 31 and still not even pregnant. I really thought I'd be done with babies by now. I kind of expected to have my first around 22, my second around 25 or 26, and IF I wanted a 3rd that I'd be 28 or so when it was born. I had a plan.

But... plans change.

My first husband ended up being a complete jerk and was abusive in many ways so, ultimately, I knew he could never be "daddy material" much as I tried to hang in there and wait for him to "grow up" and change, it never happened. I finally left his sorry behind when I was 25. I was already 3 years behind schedule. I met my current husband shortly after leaving the ex and, after 2 years of dating, he put a ring on it and I was over the moon because I knew in my heart he'd be a great husband and an awesome dad someday.

It's been 3 and a half years since the proposal and just shy of two years since our wedding and I am still waiting for that someday to come.

I do feel pretty helpless sometimes. I also feel pretty angry. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, I can't imagine I'm alone in this... I think about how much it was beat into my head as a teenager about "one slip up" is all it takes and you're pregnant. Especially when that is EXACTLY what happened with my mom! I am a direct result of her losing her virginity. She literally had sex ONCE and got pregnant. Do you have any idea how infuriating that is for someone in my shoes???

I'm not going to lie. Sometimes it feels like I am being punished in some way or like my mom used all of the good fertility genes. I don't know. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the thought has crossed my mind before.

I also think getting pregnant is WAY more difficult as an adult. There just isn't enough time or energy sometimes to get the baby-dancing in. (At least for me and hubby!)

Anyhow... so here I am 31. No baby. Even worse, the day before my birthday, my cycle comes. Yay. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature. Can't catch a break for trying! Lol!

Well, there's always next month, I guess.

Until Next Time...

Holes

I have no news. I'm bummed. I feel so hopeless sometimes. My heart aches for a baby to love and my arms yearn for a child to hold. It's killing me. I am so tired of waiting. It's been a year now with no success and I find myself doubting that it can/will ever happen for us. I don't even know how I feel. It's like there's a hole in my soul...

Day by day

Since making the decision to not obsess over every little detail of this baby-making adventure, my stress level has gone down dramatically and I feel great about it. It is one less thing to worry about every day. 

So, I have logged into my fertility app a handful of times this cycle. I know it had projected my ovulation date to be last Saturday based of my prior cycles. We did do the baby dance that day, but it wasn't intentional like in past months. 

The only things I have noticed are that my boobs have been SUPER sensitive since around 5 or 6 DPO. I also have noticed that --even though I've lost about 13 lbs-- my belly looks more bloated and full than it did before. I don't know. It could just be that I am losing weight everywhere except my belly making my belly look bigger. 

Other than that... no news on the homefront. 

Until next time... 

Baby Steps

I am still making a point to NOT take my temperature every morning. I have logged onto my Fertility Friend app maybe 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks, which is a big deal for me considering I was logging in AT LEAST once a day if not more. 

I have been trying to have faith and trust in God's timing for all of this. I know He is in control of all things and there is nothing too big or too small for God. And I will say, I have had more peace since making the decision to give this area over to Him instead of trying to micromanage it. God has been working on me and bringing me closer to Him. So that has helped dramatically, but I still think about it and worry a little. I don't think I will ever FULLY relax until it actually happens... Maybe not even then! Ha! I pray for a baby. I also pray for our Lord to give me peace in the waiting period and to trust in His promises. Jesus knows that patience has never been a real asset for me! I always struggle in that, but I am trying. Pardon the pun, but... Baby steps. 

So, I know my usual ov date is around CD 17, which is supposed to be this weekend. We'll see if this month is more fruitful. Honestly, I am not sweating it too much though because now that the husband and I have booked a trip to Hawaii, I'm okay if we don't get preggers until after the trip. As my best friend pointed out, "You don't know how pregnancy will affect you and the last thing you want is to be miserable with morning sickness when you're in Hawaii." So true. 

Anyhow, I have my annual exam coming up. I need to get that scheduled for next month. I plan to talk to her about the baby-making thing. We'll see if she has any tips or if we make any discoveries. Part of me worries that I may have undiagnosed PCOS because I do have several of the symptoms, but time will tell. 

So, that's that. Not much else to say as of now. I'll update after my doctor visit, if not before then.

Until next time...