Bad news bears

My HSG appointment was earlier today. It was a rough one.

The doctor went over the results of the test afterward and he basically laid out that our chances of conceiving were not very good. Even worse, the chance that if we WERE able to conceive, there is about a 50/50 chance it would be an ectopic (aka tubal) pregnancy. Basically, one fallopian tube is "irreparably damaged" and the other is kinda deformed. (Salpingitis isthmica nodosa, that's the clinical term for what is going on with my right fallopian tube.) He said he would suggest we not try naturally conceiving as it would be high risk for ectopic pregnancy. He suggested we go straight to IVF... which, for those who have not been "fortunate" enough to experience the crap-hole of infertility, is about a $15,000 procedure with a 60% success rate.

I feel so defeated.

I called J as soon as I got to the car and I basically broke down. I told him it was bad news, but I didn't mention the specifics. I told him we'd discuss tonight. I could hear the mixture of sorrow and pity in his voice and it crushed me. I feel like a failure. I feel broken... in so many ways. I feel hollow. And I feel confused... shocked. I'm still wearing my hospital bracelet. I need it to remind me that this is real life and this really just happened.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and nurture life and build a family. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to feel like I may never obtain that now.

I don't know where to go from here...
We could really use your prayers in this difficult time.

Until next time...

Waiting

*deep breath*

Okay. I finished my Clomid. Now, I'm waiting for the HSG to be performed on Wednesday. I've been doing some research on what it is and how it's performed. In my research, I happened upon a positive side effect of the procedure... Apparently, it can greatly increase the likelihood of conception. Not sure how or why, but so many people on the message board say that they tried for 2 or 3 years before getting an HSG and then, BAM!, pregnant. I hope so! Gosh, do I hope! That would be so wonderful.

Anyhow, the Clomid was fine. No real issues. I did notice that last day some heightened emotions (i.e. choking up at a random TV show), but nothing more than that.

That's about all for now... I'm just waiting. Story of my friggin' life!

Until next time...

Phase 2.

Last week I went for the first round of bloodwork. They looked at my insulin, A1C hemoglobin, and all of that type of stuff. Everything came back normal. The doctor believes that I have a slight resistance to insulin so I will start on Metformin to help with that the beginning of October.

In the meantime, I started my cycle and notified the doc. The office scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound to check my ovaries, uterus, and related lady parts. So, that was today. It wasn't that bad. The worst part was when she was trying to get a look at my ovaries. My left one was not cooperating and she had great difficulty looking at it in the ultrasound. She was probing me with that freaking wand and it was painful!

After, I finished with the ultrasound, the doctor did an exam and went over the ultrasound pics with me. He told me that (due to my weight) it was difficult to get great detail on the pics to determine egg count but he could get a pretty good idea by testing some hormones and they'll recheck my eggs as I get closer to ovulation and they grow. So far everything else has come back normal. (Thank you, Jesus!)

J still has to get his test done and I'm starting to wonder if the problem isn't with him after all. I haven't yet vocalized my concerns to him. I don't want this to become a blame game because we are a team in this. So, we're just waiting to see.

Anyhow, the doctor did prescribe me Clomid in addition to the Metformin. I am supposed to start today. I am excited, but a little nervous. The Clomid is supposed to help with consistent ovulation and also is supposed to encourage multiple eggs to release, thus increasing the likelihood of conception. I'm excited because I feel hopeful it could help, but I'm nervous because I've heard these hormones can really screw with your emotions and such.

The plan is for me to take the Clomid the next 5 days or so. Then, next Wednesday, I go for the "HSG" which is where they'll inject dye into my uterus and take an x-ray to find out if my fallopian tubes have any obstructions. The following day, I'll start with the ovulation prediction kits and monitor for an LH surge.

So, that's where we stand... I'm feeling more encouraged than I have felt in a while. I'm starting to think this could really happen... FINALLY. I love the people at the clinic say, "When you get pregnant..." that helps me to also feel more optimistic about this process.

After today, I am mentally preparing myself for the physical pain that may accompany this process. The doctor warned me the next procedure can be a little painful so they're prescribing me prescription strength ibuprofen to take 30 minutes before the procedure. (Eek!) But no pain, no gain, right?

Until next time...