Another fruitless month

Today I am on CD 30 and 13 DPO. I have been feeling some odd cramps--very mild--today and also feeling very cranky and irritable. I am pretty confident I'm out of the running for a baby this month.

Also, I just went to the restroom and noticed some very light spotting. I don't know if this is breakthrough bleeding or if it's the end of another fruitless cycle. I am feeling like it's the latter, but I just don't want to give up yet.

I'm feeling kind of down and out about this still... and I'm desperately trying to keep it together. I can imagine hubby's eyes lighting up when I tell him we're pregnant. I can envision my in-laws bursting into tears and some playful jabs saying "It's about damn time!" I can see my friends and family jumping for joy. I can see the growing belly and imagine the joy when I feel a little one move for the first time. I can imagine bawling my eyes out the first time I hear the heartbeat. I want it. I want it all. And I just can't have it. It's so gut-wrenching.

My awesome husband

We painted "the nursery" last weekend. It just needs to be painted along the ceiling. It looks great so far.

This cycle I deliberately decided to not baby-dance with the husband when I knew I was close to or ON ovulation day. I am not sure why. I know part of the reason was because I was thinking about finances. We're good, but since I started a new job May 2nd and I wouldn't be eligible for FMLA (12 week maternity leave) until I hit the 1 year mark. 

Anyhow, after the fact, I discussed it with hubby and he pretty much told me to chill and it'll work out. I love that my normally somewhat pessimistic husband has been incredibly positive and encouraging during this process! Every time I feel upset that it hasn't happened yet, he always is very reassuring. 

...Another thing...

After I got out of class today, I decided to do some browsing at the craft stores. I was at JoAnn Fabrics and about to leave empty-handed when I spotted this ADORABLE fabric. It's baby flannel fabric with little woodland creatures on it. Then, I saw it was 60% off. I just couldn't pass it up. I decided to buy a couple of yards. I was really happy and proud of my little find, but I was also feeling a little embarrassed by it. I texted a picture to my best girlfriend... her response was cautionary. I get it, but NOT what I was wanting. Later tonight, hubby called and I told him the story. Once again, he was really open to it and wasn't at all phased by my insanity. Lol!

I texted him the picture following our convo and he told me he liked it. I asked if he thought it was weird for me to buy baby fabric. He said no and was again... just very reaffirming. I think he was more okay with it than I was really. I guess I feel like a crazy person buying stuff and painting a room for a baby that doesn't exist yet. 

Until next time...