My awakening

It's been about a month and half since my last blog post on here. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and inner healing lately and it's been nothing short of magnificent.

I found a ministry in the metro area called "Dance Again Ministries" and it has been awesome to see and experience God using that ministry as a way of breaking spiritual lies and the accompanying bondage. Not only that, but God has been revealing himself to me in ways I've never before experienced. There really are no words to describe how incredibly liberating this whole spiritual endeavor has become. For the first time in many many months, I truly feel at peace. I also can safely say that I finally feel JOY in my life. When churchy-folk talk about the freedom found in Christ... Wow! Now that I have tasted it for myself... their church jargon versions of "peace", "joy", and "freedom" are such a second rate version of what those things look like in reality.

So, needless to say--but I'm going to anyhow--God has really been wrecking my world in the absolute best way possible.

You may be wondering where that leaves me and what that means for this pursuit of procreation. Let me tell ya...

Jason and I are taking this thing called infertility one day at a time. As much as I'd love to say otherwise, I don't know when or if we'll ever conceive a child. I don't know if we'll do IVF like the doctor suggested. I don't know if we'll try to adopt. I don't know if we'll foster. I literally know nothing about what the future looks like for us. And I'm at peace with that. I have a hunch that there may be some fostering in the future for us, but nothing is set in stone. We have tentatively planned to pursue IVF in the future; although, we don't know when that might happen.

For me, it's becoming less and less about what I DON'T have and more about what I already do have. I have so much love in my heart that I would completely lavish on our own child, if given the chance, but if that's not in the cards for us... I can lavish that same love onto others. That's really what it means to be a follower of Christ anyhow.

Mainly, I don't feel stressed or pressured anymore. No stress?! I know, it sounds absurd! Especially for anyone who is in the throes of infertility. I get it! Trust me; I do! To say this journey has been rough is like the understatement of the century! It is the equivalent to an emotional roller coaster to say the least. But I have came to a place of trusting God. (NOT at all easy for me!) I still have some doubts lurking back in the recesses of my mind, but they're small and they don't shout as loudly anymore. I have come to an understanding of who God is and how he loves me. I no longer feel that this infertility thing is a punishment, like I did for every stinking day of the first 2 years. I know that my heavenly Father has a plan and, while I don't know all the details, I know it's gonna be good! It's like any of the upteen million super hero movies and shows... There's a hero. There's a villain. There are many supporting characters who are both good and bad. Inevitably, there will be a conflict of some sort between said hero and villain. And the hero always wins. Sure, sometimes, there's the dramatic scene where the hero gets his butt handed to him a little, but then, there's the morale-boosting pep talk and he comes back stronger than ever and ready to take that villain down. Right? So, that's like my story. I don't know the filler details, but I know that --because of God's infinite love for me-- I will always come out on top. I'm on the winning team, y'all. As believers, we all are. Some cynical folks may say that it's blind faith and they'd be completely wrong. Blind faith is what I had before. Now that I had my literal come to Jesus meeting, I know that the end may turn out quite a bit differently than I expected, but I can be okay with whatever plot twists come my way. It may be terrible in the moment, but I can find comfort in knowing that something wonderful is up ahead.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Sidenote, if anyone would be interested... there's a book called "I Don't Wait Anymore" by Grace Thornton. That book was kind of the thing that challenged me to see things differently and start seeking God in a completely new way. I highly recommend it!

Until Next Time...

Nothingness.

It's been about a month since I got the bad news at the appointment for the HSG.

I have felt pretty aimless lately. Just when I think my emotions have run the gamut and there are no surprises left in this infertility saga... Well, turns out I'm wrong. I wasn't prepared for the hollow feeling left lurking after the long held visions and dreams have been savagely ripped from me. I wasn't ready for that vacant feeling. I wasn't ready for apathy.

My cycle came yesterday and I didn't even bat an eye. No sting of disappointment. No anger. None of it. It was just like every other period prior to getting off birth control. ...And I don't quite know what to do with that. Part of me is relieved to not have to obsess over every little detail and ride the emotional roller coaster of "TTC"; then, another part of me feels sad that I've gotten to the point of not admitting defeat.

I feel like I have... Like I am. I'm feeling more and more like the reality of ever having a child is drifting further and further out of reach and all I can do is just watch it happen.

Ugh. This crap sucks.


Until Next Time...

Bad news bears

My HSG appointment was earlier today. It was a rough one.

The doctor went over the results of the test afterward and he basically laid out that our chances of conceiving were not very good. Even worse, the chance that if we WERE able to conceive, there is about a 50/50 chance it would be an ectopic (aka tubal) pregnancy. Basically, one fallopian tube is "irreparably damaged" and the other is kinda deformed. (Salpingitis isthmica nodosa, that's the clinical term for what is going on with my right fallopian tube.) He said he would suggest we not try naturally conceiving as it would be high risk for ectopic pregnancy. He suggested we go straight to IVF... which, for those who have not been "fortunate" enough to experience the crap-hole of infertility, is about a $15,000 procedure with a 60% success rate.

I feel so defeated.

I called J as soon as I got to the car and I basically broke down. I told him it was bad news, but I didn't mention the specifics. I told him we'd discuss tonight. I could hear the mixture of sorrow and pity in his voice and it crushed me. I feel like a failure. I feel broken... in so many ways. I feel hollow. And I feel confused... shocked. I'm still wearing my hospital bracelet. I need it to remind me that this is real life and this really just happened.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and nurture life and build a family. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to feel like I may never obtain that now.

I don't know where to go from here...
We could really use your prayers in this difficult time.

Until next time...

Waiting

*deep breath*

Okay. I finished my Clomid. Now, I'm waiting for the HSG to be performed on Wednesday. I've been doing some research on what it is and how it's performed. In my research, I happened upon a positive side effect of the procedure... Apparently, it can greatly increase the likelihood of conception. Not sure how or why, but so many people on the message board say that they tried for 2 or 3 years before getting an HSG and then, BAM!, pregnant. I hope so! Gosh, do I hope! That would be so wonderful.

Anyhow, the Clomid was fine. No real issues. I did notice that last day some heightened emotions (i.e. choking up at a random TV show), but nothing more than that.

That's about all for now... I'm just waiting. Story of my friggin' life!

Until next time...

Time to bring in the reinforcements...

No baby yet. It's been pretty disheartening, to say the least. I feel like a broken record with all of this...

This month makes 2 years of going through this process and I am beginning to lose hope. After last month, when I thought we did everything right and STILL no baby... I decided to go ahead and schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist. The appointment is later today.

I am feeling nervous, excited, hopeful, and yet I'm mentally preparing myself for another disappointment. I've heard tremendous things about the doctor we're going to see so I'm praying that he is able to provide some answers for us or at least give us some direction in this process.

To make things worse, I just left a client's home and there was a relative there who was obviously nearing the end of her pregnancy and she was toking away on her cigarette while I was there. It made me so annoyed and angry. Like... this person can get pregnant? But I can't?! Yeah... It's crazy to me how this world works sometimes.

Anyhow, J is coming with me to the appointment and I am very grateful that he is taking the time off of work to be there to provide some support and also seek some answers. One thing I am very thankful for, is that the nightmare of this "TTC journey" has not ruined us. There have been some stressful points, but, overall, we have really only become stronger as a result of this crap. So, that is something that gives me some faith and hope.

...In other news, J's parents have come down to help us with the house a couple of weekends last month. One weekend, J's mom helped me re-paint the nursery. The initial color I picked seemed kind of dark for the space so we left an accent wall in that color and painted the other 3 a much lighter shade. I know it's odd, but her helping paint the room that will, hopefully, someday hold our little one gave me such joy. It's great that J's parents are so supportive and his mom never even gave me grief when I told her about the "baby mojo" story. She just acted like it was perfectly normal, even though... I know it's not. Lol!

I've been seeing a counselor for a few weeks now and that has helped a lot in so many ways. I, honestly, can't even express how much it has helped me so far!

I'd better get going. I have another client to see. Say prayers for me today! I'll share feedback later...


Until Next Time...

Mixed feelings

I'm feeling so many different emotions today. This whole TTC thing is crazy! So, I use the fertility friend app and also the glow app. I am not a huge fan of the latter. It always seems to be much less reliable, but I do like that you can enter more specific information. Just yesterday, I opened my FF app and it had projected my ov date as CD23, which would be confirmed by my temps, my CM, and the OPK I took. It also projected my next cycle would be due on CD35 (the 15th). I just opened the app for the first time since I put in my temp this morning and it now has changed. I, honestly, have no idea what that is about.

I feel frustrated that these freaking apps can't help me know what is going on. I thought they had algorithms and all that crap??? I'm also frustrated that we've been trying this for 2 years and have had NOTHING happen yet. At the same time, I am hopeful that this will be the month, I am pretty sure our timing was great. The one thing I am concerned about is the weird delay in ovulation and the fact that I never really reached EWCM, at one point I was close, but it was very sparse. Anyhow, one minute I am so convinced it's going to happen this month and the next I feel so very discouraged.  All I can say is that if it doesn't happen this month, hubby is taking a trip to get his boys checked ASAP.

I think of every possible scenario that could be hindering this process and it makes me just go insane. I so badly want our little one. This is so hard!