The 7 stages of grief

It's 2017... YAY! Time to close the chapter of 2016, but before I do, allow me to reflect a little...

The last 12 months of this journey to motherhood, I think I have experienced all 7 stages of grief--sometimes cycling through all 7 in a matter of a week!

Check out the visual...

I can safely say that most days I am wavering between #6 and #7. While, I have come to the place of accepting my situation for what it is, I still have moments when I wonder "what if". What if I miraculously conceived on my own? What if another 2 years go by and I'm not any closer to having a child in my arms? What if literally all of my family and friends have children and I'm the only one who doesn't? What if we decide to spend the money on IVF and it's unsuccessful? Maybe the most painful one is... What if it's not in God's will for me to have a child at all?

Those questions still loom in the recesses of my mind from time to time. And when they inevitably float into consciousness, they still sting. Thankfully, that happens less and less. Also, the sting of the hurt from those questions has become much less painful. I am thankful that God is healing my heart and growing my capacity to trust him to know what is best for me. I no longer see this infertility struggle as a punishment. It's just part of my story. The story that involves becoming more and more like Jesus and ends with eternity in heaven. Someone said once that everything this side of heaven prepares us for our purpose in eternity; so... maybe mine will have something to do with loving children. Who knows...

Until next time...

Bad news bears

My HSG appointment was earlier today. It was a rough one.

The doctor went over the results of the test afterward and he basically laid out that our chances of conceiving were not very good. Even worse, the chance that if we WERE able to conceive, there is about a 50/50 chance it would be an ectopic (aka tubal) pregnancy. Basically, one fallopian tube is "irreparably damaged" and the other is kinda deformed. (Salpingitis isthmica nodosa, that's the clinical term for what is going on with my right fallopian tube.) He said he would suggest we not try naturally conceiving as it would be high risk for ectopic pregnancy. He suggested we go straight to IVF... which, for those who have not been "fortunate" enough to experience the crap-hole of infertility, is about a $15,000 procedure with a 60% success rate.

I feel so defeated.

I called J as soon as I got to the car and I basically broke down. I told him it was bad news, but I didn't mention the specifics. I told him we'd discuss tonight. I could hear the mixture of sorrow and pity in his voice and it crushed me. I feel like a failure. I feel broken... in so many ways. I feel hollow. And I feel confused... shocked. I'm still wearing my hospital bracelet. I need it to remind me that this is real life and this really just happened.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and nurture life and build a family. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to feel like I may never obtain that now.

I don't know where to go from here...
We could really use your prayers in this difficult time.

Until next time...

Waiting

*deep breath*

Okay. I finished my Clomid. Now, I'm waiting for the HSG to be performed on Wednesday. I've been doing some research on what it is and how it's performed. In my research, I happened upon a positive side effect of the procedure... Apparently, it can greatly increase the likelihood of conception. Not sure how or why, but so many people on the message board say that they tried for 2 or 3 years before getting an HSG and then, BAM!, pregnant. I hope so! Gosh, do I hope! That would be so wonderful.

Anyhow, the Clomid was fine. No real issues. I did notice that last day some heightened emotions (i.e. choking up at a random TV show), but nothing more than that.

That's about all for now... I'm just waiting. Story of my friggin' life!

Until next time...

Doctor's orders

My appointment with the fertility doctor was yesterday. It was relatively painless... :)

He ordered blood work for me and a semen analysis for J.  He said because I'm overweight, he just wants to check some additional hormones, my insulin levels, and blood sugar levels. So, I'm going in for a fasting blood test this morning. Even though, my blood sugar and all of that has never been a problem before, I admit I am a little nervous that it may come back poorly.  We'll see... The doctor said I don't have a lot of the symptoms associated with being overweight, but he wants to verify that it's not lurking underneath the surface, so to speak. They are doing a "rush" on the blood work so if there is anything off or any concerns, they'll know and I should hear something tomorrow or Monday. So, at least, I won't have to wait forever to find out.

They also told me that since my period is due any day, I will need to call the clinic and go in while I am still bleeding so they can do an ultrasound and monitor my egg count. They'll also do an X-ray to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked. Once, they get the results of those initial test, we'll move forward.

Anyhow, for the first time, I felt really validated in my concerns. He gave us so much information and was so extremely helpful and very kind. Even with the issue of my weight, he was very tactful and not shaming like some doctors are. He did say that even though he doesn't think the weight is the real issue, he suggests I try to lose a few pounds just to make the pregnancy easier on my body.

So, I plan to go join a gym up the road and also really give my eating habits some attention.

That's that. I hope to have more direction and answers by the end of next week, but I definitely feel like we're taking steps in the right direction. I'm hopeful that we can get the answers and (MAYBE) get a positive pregnancy test by Christmas. Fingers crossed.

Until next time...

Time to bring in the reinforcements...

No baby yet. It's been pretty disheartening, to say the least. I feel like a broken record with all of this...

This month makes 2 years of going through this process and I am beginning to lose hope. After last month, when I thought we did everything right and STILL no baby... I decided to go ahead and schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist. The appointment is later today.

I am feeling nervous, excited, hopeful, and yet I'm mentally preparing myself for another disappointment. I've heard tremendous things about the doctor we're going to see so I'm praying that he is able to provide some answers for us or at least give us some direction in this process.

To make things worse, I just left a client's home and there was a relative there who was obviously nearing the end of her pregnancy and she was toking away on her cigarette while I was there. It made me so annoyed and angry. Like... this person can get pregnant? But I can't?! Yeah... It's crazy to me how this world works sometimes.

Anyhow, J is coming with me to the appointment and I am very grateful that he is taking the time off of work to be there to provide some support and also seek some answers. One thing I am very thankful for, is that the nightmare of this "TTC journey" has not ruined us. There have been some stressful points, but, overall, we have really only become stronger as a result of this crap. So, that is something that gives me some faith and hope.

...In other news, J's parents have come down to help us with the house a couple of weekends last month. One weekend, J's mom helped me re-paint the nursery. The initial color I picked seemed kind of dark for the space so we left an accent wall in that color and painted the other 3 a much lighter shade. I know it's odd, but her helping paint the room that will, hopefully, someday hold our little one gave me such joy. It's great that J's parents are so supportive and his mom never even gave me grief when I told her about the "baby mojo" story. She just acted like it was perfectly normal, even though... I know it's not. Lol!

I've been seeing a counselor for a few weeks now and that has helped a lot in so many ways. I, honestly, can't even express how much it has helped me so far!

I'd better get going. I have another client to see. Say prayers for me today! I'll share feedback later...


Until Next Time...

Carrying my cross

After my last blog, I contacted a Christian counselor. I needed someone to help me navigate the murky waters of infertility and how it's negatively impacting my faith. I also think there are some other things I am kind of working through still and could use some additional support.

Anyhow, I went with a male counselor... not my first choice, but I felt like I was being led to him by the Holy Spirit. I had so many reservations prior to my first visit with him. I am working on becoming a counselor myself and currently work in the mental health field so you'd think I'd be used to it and not nervous at all, but I really was. 1) I've attended counseling in the past, but the last time I seriously attended, I was like 18. 2) I've never seen a male counselor before. 3) I've never seen a "Christian counselor" before. 4) I've never talked to a male other than my husband about this process of getting pregnant.

So, yeah. I was nervous and I definitely had my reservations about it, but I still went.

My first visit with him was last Tuesday and it went really well. I was a big ball of emotions from the get-go! Ten minutes in and I was already choking back the tears. By the end, there was no holding them back. He was so great. He was very understanding much more than I thought he would be. We talked about trying to conceive for almost 2 years and the emotional roller coaster it has taken me on. We also discussed the way TTC has begun to chip away at my faith. We talked about my struggles with my faith, in general and my difficulty trusting God to take care of me and my life. I was very open about it all and he really challenged my perception of my struggling with God and made me feel more accepting of where I am with my faith. It was so hard and so heavy for that 50 or so minutes, but the next day, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I knew that counseling was exactly what my spirit and my mind had been in desperate need of.

We have our next visit on Friday... I'm already feeling in a better place than I was.

One of the things the counselor said was that he felt like much of what I was saying reminded him of Jacob in the Bible. Jacob wrestled with God. He said that I was referring to my struggles with God and my faith as a bad thing, but through Jacob wrestling with God, he received his blessing. "Maybe," he said, "Your wrestling with God is a good thing." I had never seen it in that light. At one point I said to him, "I know I need to have faith. I just wish I could have a glimpse into WHY there is this struggle."

Fast forward to yesterday... for my job, I have to meet with my supervisor each week for a check-in. I sat in her office yesterday and through our discussion I mentioned that hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant. So that sparked a conversation regarding that and we ended up having like a 30 minute conversation about it because her and her husband are TTC too as it turns out. We were able to vent to one another about the frustrations that go with TTC... like the dreaded 2WW, trying to time intercourse but also wanting it to feel more "natural" and less like an obligation, all of the emotional highs and lows, and the obsessing over every little sign or symptom your body experiences. It was really great to be able to share with somebody who gets it and is at that same place currently and somebody that you really know too. It was so freeing. She actually became emotional at one point and shared her recent struggles with me too. In that moment, it became clear to me that the counselor was right. My struggle isn't about me. It's not a punishment from God for some perceived shortcoming. It's not because I don't read my Bible enough or go to church often enough or because my husband isn't a Christian... I felt like God was sending me a message loud and clear. I am his servant and by signing up for the Christian life I agreed to let God use me in a way to bring him honor and glory. Sometimes, that glory that I can give God is by walking the hard road, getting through it, and then helping others navigate their hard roads. God is building in me, the testimony that will help others to find their own faith. He's chosen me for this honor. THIS is the cross I bear.

Matthew 16:24-25(NIV)
²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life^[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

Luke 9:23-24(NIV)
²³ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. ²⁴ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.

This is both an honor and a burden, but the Lord will help me carry it. I wasn't meant to do it alone.

So, anyhow... God is challenging my perception of this whole journey. Not that it makes it easier. It just helps me make sense of it in a way so that it doesn't destroy me. So I vented to my counselor about wanting to see a piece of God's vision for this part of my life and that was quite literally exactly what he provided. God is so awesome like that.

James 1:2-5(NIV)
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

James 4:9-10(NIV)
⁹ Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Raw nerves

So, I was right. AF came on Tuesday afternoon/evening. I was kind of bummed about it.

Just yesterday, I was chatting with a co-worker over coffee at Barnes and Noble when she mentioned that she'd been pregnant a few years ago and miscarried at 5 months. I was so sad for her. I confessed to her that hubby and I have been TTC for just under 2 years now to no avail.

I've been really cranky the last few weeks and I realized that might be why. I started crying and had to choke back the tears. There was a nerve that had definitely been struck. I felt raw and exposed.

Anyhow, I think I have decided to seek counseling. That made me realize how much of this stuff I'm not processing through and it's really beginning to get the best of me. I just reached out to a counselor to start seeking services. I wish they had counselors that specialized in fertility kind of issues.

This TTC thing is terribly alienating. I feel like I have to keep it all to myself and that sucks. My husband is super supportive, but it's still hard to even talk to him about it because I don't want it to come off as blaming or guilting him or anything. Even my sister who had her own issues with getting pregnant doesn't really seem to "get" where I am coming from. It's very hard.

I guess I really do just need someone to talk to and work through this crap with...

Another fruitless month

Today I am on CD 30 and 13 DPO. I have been feeling some odd cramps--very mild--today and also feeling very cranky and irritable. I am pretty confident I'm out of the running for a baby this month.

Also, I just went to the restroom and noticed some very light spotting. I don't know if this is breakthrough bleeding or if it's the end of another fruitless cycle. I am feeling like it's the latter, but I just don't want to give up yet.

I'm feeling kind of down and out about this still... and I'm desperately trying to keep it together. I can imagine hubby's eyes lighting up when I tell him we're pregnant. I can envision my in-laws bursting into tears and some playful jabs saying "It's about damn time!" I can see my friends and family jumping for joy. I can see the growing belly and imagine the joy when I feel a little one move for the first time. I can imagine bawling my eyes out the first time I hear the heartbeat. I want it. I want it all. And I just can't have it. It's so gut-wrenching.

Sigh.

So, I tested AGAIN. This time on 10 DPO...another BFN. Not sure why I do this to myself. I guess the good thing is it shows I've not completely lost hope.

So, listen to this...
I also had an old friend from college who's wife just gave birth this week so that was on Facebook. Another Facebook friend just announced she's expecting her 2nd child. My aunt--she's only 3.5 years older though--is due any freaking day now with her 3rd, which was unplanned, but still a very joyous occasion. My lesbian friend from HS is roughly halfway through her pregnancy... not to mention the 2 other people on Facebook who are preggers. Oh and 1 girl at work is on maternity leave. Two more girls are pregnant. I went to a workshop/seminar this weekend... the presenter? Pregnant. Even my primary care physician and my gyno are pregnant!!!

But me? NOT pregnant. 

Can I just be honest and say that while I am very happy for all of these people in my life, I am starting to get a little pissed off that this is proving to be so difficult for us when the rest of the world is all a-buzz with their easy breezy pregnancies. Or so it seems. I feel so defeated sometimes. Like... what the heck is wrong with me that I can't accomplish what comes so damn easy for everyone else? It's really proving to be quite difficult to stay positive and optimistic. Truth be told, I feel angry with God for keeping this from me. I feel resentful toward Him of my situation. I really do.

*deep breath*

I am resolving to not count myself out just yet this month. Here it is Monday. I took my last test first thing in the morning yesterday. I'm hoping I am pregnant but my hcG levels were just low enough they weren't detected. My Fertility Friend app AND my Glow app both have my expected period set for Wednesday. I really hope it doesn't come... I'm hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers. I'm ready for my BFP to finally come.

Patience is a virtue

I am not sure if these TTC sites and apps are doing more harm than good or what. I was on my Glow app and was reading some of the board posts. A few ladies were like 6-8 DPO and tested and got a positive result. That made me want to test even more to find out. So I went and bought some early response tests yesterday and took one this morning. Nope. BFN. But I am still remaining hopeful.

When I put that I tested on my Fertility Friend app, it popped up a little tidbit about testing too early and what they have discovered through researching other women's charts on their apps. It said the best time to test for most women is after 10 DPO, and particularly on the actual day your cycle is due to start.

I visited www.twoweekwait.com at the suggestion of another poster and posted a question on their boards about DPO and testing. So far, everyone who has replied that has received their BFP, tested after on day 10 with one gal testing on day 12. Today is 8DPO for me.

Patience is really not one of my strong points.

Oh... sidenote... I work in the mental health field, working with kids. Today one of my 14 yo girl clients says out of the blue, "You'll be a great mom when you have kids." I thought... "Hun, if you only knew!" Still it was great hearing someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level say that.

Back at it...

This cycle was back on the wagon as far as ovulation testing and giving it our best at timing the baby-dancing to optimize our chance of success. I'm currently 6 DPO. I've been having super duper sore breasts pretty much since ovulation passed. That's really the only noticeable symptom thus far, which could go either way. It's either early PMS or pregnancy. Fingers crossed for the latter. I'm feeling really hopeful this cycle... I am not sure why exactly, but I am. AF is due to arrive next Wednesday so we should know soon enough!

Until next time...

Plans

So, my birthday was earlier this week. I'm now 31. It feels weird to say that...

It's crazy how I always had ideas in my head of where I'd be at 30 or what my life would look like and I feel so far from those visions...
I pictured being married and comfortably established in my marriage with a quaint little home and two or three kids bouncing around the house with a couple of dogs playing in the yard. I NEVER thought I'd be 31 and still not even pregnant. I really thought I'd be done with babies by now. I kind of expected to have my first around 22, my second around 25 or 26, and IF I wanted a 3rd that I'd be 28 or so when it was born. I had a plan.

But... plans change.

My first husband ended up being a complete jerk and was abusive in many ways so, ultimately, I knew he could never be "daddy material" much as I tried to hang in there and wait for him to "grow up" and change, it never happened. I finally left his sorry behind when I was 25. I was already 3 years behind schedule. I met my current husband shortly after leaving the ex and, after 2 years of dating, he put a ring on it and I was over the moon because I knew in my heart he'd be a great husband and an awesome dad someday.

It's been 3 and a half years since the proposal and just shy of two years since our wedding and I am still waiting for that someday to come.

I do feel pretty helpless sometimes. I also feel pretty angry. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, I can't imagine I'm alone in this... I think about how much it was beat into my head as a teenager about "one slip up" is all it takes and you're pregnant. Especially when that is EXACTLY what happened with my mom! I am a direct result of her losing her virginity. She literally had sex ONCE and got pregnant. Do you have any idea how infuriating that is for someone in my shoes???

I'm not going to lie. Sometimes it feels like I am being punished in some way or like my mom used all of the good fertility genes. I don't know. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the thought has crossed my mind before.

I also think getting pregnant is WAY more difficult as an adult. There just isn't enough time or energy sometimes to get the baby-dancing in. (At least for me and hubby!)

Anyhow... so here I am 31. No baby. Even worse, the day before my birthday, my cycle comes. Yay. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature. Can't catch a break for trying! Lol!

Well, there's always next month, I guess.

Until Next Time...

My awesome husband

We painted "the nursery" last weekend. It just needs to be painted along the ceiling. It looks great so far.

This cycle I deliberately decided to not baby-dance with the husband when I knew I was close to or ON ovulation day. I am not sure why. I know part of the reason was because I was thinking about finances. We're good, but since I started a new job May 2nd and I wouldn't be eligible for FMLA (12 week maternity leave) until I hit the 1 year mark. 

Anyhow, after the fact, I discussed it with hubby and he pretty much told me to chill and it'll work out. I love that my normally somewhat pessimistic husband has been incredibly positive and encouraging during this process! Every time I feel upset that it hasn't happened yet, he always is very reassuring. 

...Another thing...

After I got out of class today, I decided to do some browsing at the craft stores. I was at JoAnn Fabrics and about to leave empty-handed when I spotted this ADORABLE fabric. It's baby flannel fabric with little woodland creatures on it. Then, I saw it was 60% off. I just couldn't pass it up. I decided to buy a couple of yards. I was really happy and proud of my little find, but I was also feeling a little embarrassed by it. I texted a picture to my best girlfriend... her response was cautionary. I get it, but NOT what I was wanting. Later tonight, hubby called and I told him the story. Once again, he was really open to it and wasn't at all phased by my insanity. Lol!

I texted him the picture following our convo and he told me he liked it. I asked if he thought it was weird for me to buy baby fabric. He said no and was again... just very reaffirming. I think he was more okay with it than I was really. I guess I feel like a crazy person buying stuff and painting a room for a baby that doesn't exist yet. 

Until next time...

Baby Mojo

It's been around 21 months since we started Operation Reproduction. Some women could've already had two babies and we don't yet have one... :(

We had a heart-breaking "almost". In March/April, we thought we were. My cycles usually last right at 30 days, occasionally I'll go 32 days. That's only happened twice in the last 21 months, but the last several months have been 29 or 30 days. My cycle that was due in the beginning of April was late. It was the morning of CD 34 and still no sign of AF other than very mild cramping. I told hubby and he warned me the delay might have been stress related. (My grandpa had just passed away 4 days prior.) I really thought hubby was wrong... Everything seemed different. Then, BAM! Just 3 hours later AF made her appearance. Damn. I was pretty upset, but not surprised.

On the positive side, in April I got offered a new job! It's in the field of my schooling (mental health/counseling). My first day was May 2nd and I love it so far! The benefits are awesome, the pay is good, and the flexibility is... top-knotch. When I was filling in my husband and my best girlfriend after I got the offer, one of the first things they said is that it would be a great job to have when we DO get pregnant because the set-up is pretty perfect since I essentially work from home when I am not meeting with clients. So, that is pretty exciting.

In addition to my new job, hubby also got a new job with less of a commute, better hours, better benefits, and more opportunities for promotions. He started this week and he really likes it.

One more blessing that God has brought us since my last post... a house. :) We purchased a home and moved in the beginning of March.

With God so visibly working and moving in our lives these last few months, that has helped tremendously with my patience in this process. My faith is being renewed. I know and I SEE that the Lord has a plan for us and our future family. He's moving the chess pieces to just the right spots.

Having said that, I still have "my days" when I get frustrated that God's timing isn't quicker and I start to feel sorry for myself. For example, when I get on Facebook and see that my married LESBIAN friend has conceived before me... Say what?! Not only do they have extra "barriers" that Hubby and I don't have, but we had a 7 month headstart on this whole baby-making venture. I grumbled in my spirit and sulked in my envy for a couple of days before coming back to earth and realizing that God's plan for me is different than for others... and that's okay. It's not a competition... even though it feels like it sometimes!

Still, I am optimistic that a pregnancy will happen this year. I told my husband we needed to do something to bring in the "baby mojo". I told him I wanted to paint the room of the house that we have already designated as the future nursery. I thought he might think I was nuts, but he actually agreed to it AND he helped me pick out a color. We opted for something gender-neutral and something that doesn't scream "nursery". That way if other people come visit, they won't think we've lost our minds or that we're going to kidnap their kids. Tomorrow, we're going to start painting it! I'm excited! It makes it seem more tangible. I'll post pictures when it's finished.

So, I think we're in a good place right now and I'm trusting God's timing...