My awakening

It's been about a month and half since my last blog post on here. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and inner healing lately and it's been nothing short of magnificent.

I found a ministry in the metro area called "Dance Again Ministries" and it has been awesome to see and experience God using that ministry as a way of breaking spiritual lies and the accompanying bondage. Not only that, but God has been revealing himself to me in ways I've never before experienced. There really are no words to describe how incredibly liberating this whole spiritual endeavor has become. For the first time in many many months, I truly feel at peace. I also can safely say that I finally feel JOY in my life. When churchy-folk talk about the freedom found in Christ... Wow! Now that I have tasted it for myself... their church jargon versions of "peace", "joy", and "freedom" are such a second rate version of what those things look like in reality.

So, needless to say--but I'm going to anyhow--God has really been wrecking my world in the absolute best way possible.

You may be wondering where that leaves me and what that means for this pursuit of procreation. Let me tell ya...

Jason and I are taking this thing called infertility one day at a time. As much as I'd love to say otherwise, I don't know when or if we'll ever conceive a child. I don't know if we'll do IVF like the doctor suggested. I don't know if we'll try to adopt. I don't know if we'll foster. I literally know nothing about what the future looks like for us. And I'm at peace with that. I have a hunch that there may be some fostering in the future for us, but nothing is set in stone. We have tentatively planned to pursue IVF in the future; although, we don't know when that might happen.

For me, it's becoming less and less about what I DON'T have and more about what I already do have. I have so much love in my heart that I would completely lavish on our own child, if given the chance, but if that's not in the cards for us... I can lavish that same love onto others. That's really what it means to be a follower of Christ anyhow.

Mainly, I don't feel stressed or pressured anymore. No stress?! I know, it sounds absurd! Especially for anyone who is in the throes of infertility. I get it! Trust me; I do! To say this journey has been rough is like the understatement of the century! It is the equivalent to an emotional roller coaster to say the least. But I have came to a place of trusting God. (NOT at all easy for me!) I still have some doubts lurking back in the recesses of my mind, but they're small and they don't shout as loudly anymore. I have come to an understanding of who God is and how he loves me. I no longer feel that this infertility thing is a punishment, like I did for every stinking day of the first 2 years. I know that my heavenly Father has a plan and, while I don't know all the details, I know it's gonna be good! It's like any of the upteen million super hero movies and shows... There's a hero. There's a villain. There are many supporting characters who are both good and bad. Inevitably, there will be a conflict of some sort between said hero and villain. And the hero always wins. Sure, sometimes, there's the dramatic scene where the hero gets his butt handed to him a little, but then, there's the morale-boosting pep talk and he comes back stronger than ever and ready to take that villain down. Right? So, that's like my story. I don't know the filler details, but I know that --because of God's infinite love for me-- I will always come out on top. I'm on the winning team, y'all. As believers, we all are. Some cynical folks may say that it's blind faith and they'd be completely wrong. Blind faith is what I had before. Now that I had my literal come to Jesus meeting, I know that the end may turn out quite a bit differently than I expected, but I can be okay with whatever plot twists come my way. It may be terrible in the moment, but I can find comfort in knowing that something wonderful is up ahead.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Sidenote, if anyone would be interested... there's a book called "I Don't Wait Anymore" by Grace Thornton. That book was kind of the thing that challenged me to see things differently and start seeking God in a completely new way. I highly recommend it!

Until Next Time...

Waiting

*deep breath*

Okay. I finished my Clomid. Now, I'm waiting for the HSG to be performed on Wednesday. I've been doing some research on what it is and how it's performed. In my research, I happened upon a positive side effect of the procedure... Apparently, it can greatly increase the likelihood of conception. Not sure how or why, but so many people on the message board say that they tried for 2 or 3 years before getting an HSG and then, BAM!, pregnant. I hope so! Gosh, do I hope! That would be so wonderful.

Anyhow, the Clomid was fine. No real issues. I did notice that last day some heightened emotions (i.e. choking up at a random TV show), but nothing more than that.

That's about all for now... I'm just waiting. Story of my friggin' life!

Until next time...

Phase 2.

Last week I went for the first round of bloodwork. They looked at my insulin, A1C hemoglobin, and all of that type of stuff. Everything came back normal. The doctor believes that I have a slight resistance to insulin so I will start on Metformin to help with that the beginning of October.

In the meantime, I started my cycle and notified the doc. The office scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound to check my ovaries, uterus, and related lady parts. So, that was today. It wasn't that bad. The worst part was when she was trying to get a look at my ovaries. My left one was not cooperating and she had great difficulty looking at it in the ultrasound. She was probing me with that freaking wand and it was painful!

After, I finished with the ultrasound, the doctor did an exam and went over the ultrasound pics with me. He told me that (due to my weight) it was difficult to get great detail on the pics to determine egg count but he could get a pretty good idea by testing some hormones and they'll recheck my eggs as I get closer to ovulation and they grow. So far everything else has come back normal. (Thank you, Jesus!)

J still has to get his test done and I'm starting to wonder if the problem isn't with him after all. I haven't yet vocalized my concerns to him. I don't want this to become a blame game because we are a team in this. So, we're just waiting to see.

Anyhow, the doctor did prescribe me Clomid in addition to the Metformin. I am supposed to start today. I am excited, but a little nervous. The Clomid is supposed to help with consistent ovulation and also is supposed to encourage multiple eggs to release, thus increasing the likelihood of conception. I'm excited because I feel hopeful it could help, but I'm nervous because I've heard these hormones can really screw with your emotions and such.

The plan is for me to take the Clomid the next 5 days or so. Then, next Wednesday, I go for the "HSG" which is where they'll inject dye into my uterus and take an x-ray to find out if my fallopian tubes have any obstructions. The following day, I'll start with the ovulation prediction kits and monitor for an LH surge.

So, that's where we stand... I'm feeling more encouraged than I have felt in a while. I'm starting to think this could really happen... FINALLY. I love the people at the clinic say, "When you get pregnant..." that helps me to also feel more optimistic about this process.

After today, I am mentally preparing myself for the physical pain that may accompany this process. The doctor warned me the next procedure can be a little painful so they're prescribing me prescription strength ibuprofen to take 30 minutes before the procedure. (Eek!) But no pain, no gain, right?

Until next time...

Patience is a virtue

I am not sure if these TTC sites and apps are doing more harm than good or what. I was on my Glow app and was reading some of the board posts. A few ladies were like 6-8 DPO and tested and got a positive result. That made me want to test even more to find out. So I went and bought some early response tests yesterday and took one this morning. Nope. BFN. But I am still remaining hopeful.

When I put that I tested on my Fertility Friend app, it popped up a little tidbit about testing too early and what they have discovered through researching other women's charts on their apps. It said the best time to test for most women is after 10 DPO, and particularly on the actual day your cycle is due to start.

I visited www.twoweekwait.com at the suggestion of another poster and posted a question on their boards about DPO and testing. So far, everyone who has replied that has received their BFP, tested after on day 10 with one gal testing on day 12. Today is 8DPO for me.

Patience is really not one of my strong points.

Oh... sidenote... I work in the mental health field, working with kids. Today one of my 14 yo girl clients says out of the blue, "You'll be a great mom when you have kids." I thought... "Hun, if you only knew!" Still it was great hearing someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level say that.

Plans

So, my birthday was earlier this week. I'm now 31. It feels weird to say that...

It's crazy how I always had ideas in my head of where I'd be at 30 or what my life would look like and I feel so far from those visions...
I pictured being married and comfortably established in my marriage with a quaint little home and two or three kids bouncing around the house with a couple of dogs playing in the yard. I NEVER thought I'd be 31 and still not even pregnant. I really thought I'd be done with babies by now. I kind of expected to have my first around 22, my second around 25 or 26, and IF I wanted a 3rd that I'd be 28 or so when it was born. I had a plan.

But... plans change.

My first husband ended up being a complete jerk and was abusive in many ways so, ultimately, I knew he could never be "daddy material" much as I tried to hang in there and wait for him to "grow up" and change, it never happened. I finally left his sorry behind when I was 25. I was already 3 years behind schedule. I met my current husband shortly after leaving the ex and, after 2 years of dating, he put a ring on it and I was over the moon because I knew in my heart he'd be a great husband and an awesome dad someday.

It's been 3 and a half years since the proposal and just shy of two years since our wedding and I am still waiting for that someday to come.

I do feel pretty helpless sometimes. I also feel pretty angry. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, I can't imagine I'm alone in this... I think about how much it was beat into my head as a teenager about "one slip up" is all it takes and you're pregnant. Especially when that is EXACTLY what happened with my mom! I am a direct result of her losing her virginity. She literally had sex ONCE and got pregnant. Do you have any idea how infuriating that is for someone in my shoes???

I'm not going to lie. Sometimes it feels like I am being punished in some way or like my mom used all of the good fertility genes. I don't know. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the thought has crossed my mind before.

I also think getting pregnant is WAY more difficult as an adult. There just isn't enough time or energy sometimes to get the baby-dancing in. (At least for me and hubby!)

Anyhow... so here I am 31. No baby. Even worse, the day before my birthday, my cycle comes. Yay. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature. Can't catch a break for trying! Lol!

Well, there's always next month, I guess.

Until Next Time...