The 7 stages of grief

It's 2017... YAY! Time to close the chapter of 2016, but before I do, allow me to reflect a little...

The last 12 months of this journey to motherhood, I think I have experienced all 7 stages of grief--sometimes cycling through all 7 in a matter of a week!

Check out the visual...

I can safely say that most days I am wavering between #6 and #7. While, I have come to the place of accepting my situation for what it is, I still have moments when I wonder "what if". What if I miraculously conceived on my own? What if another 2 years go by and I'm not any closer to having a child in my arms? What if literally all of my family and friends have children and I'm the only one who doesn't? What if we decide to spend the money on IVF and it's unsuccessful? Maybe the most painful one is... What if it's not in God's will for me to have a child at all?

Those questions still loom in the recesses of my mind from time to time. And when they inevitably float into consciousness, they still sting. Thankfully, that happens less and less. Also, the sting of the hurt from those questions has become much less painful. I am thankful that God is healing my heart and growing my capacity to trust him to know what is best for me. I no longer see this infertility struggle as a punishment. It's just part of my story. The story that involves becoming more and more like Jesus and ends with eternity in heaven. Someone said once that everything this side of heaven prepares us for our purpose in eternity; so... maybe mine will have something to do with loving children. Who knows...

Until next time...

My awakening

It's been about a month and half since my last blog post on here. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and inner healing lately and it's been nothing short of magnificent.

I found a ministry in the metro area called "Dance Again Ministries" and it has been awesome to see and experience God using that ministry as a way of breaking spiritual lies and the accompanying bondage. Not only that, but God has been revealing himself to me in ways I've never before experienced. There really are no words to describe how incredibly liberating this whole spiritual endeavor has become. For the first time in many many months, I truly feel at peace. I also can safely say that I finally feel JOY in my life. When churchy-folk talk about the freedom found in Christ... Wow! Now that I have tasted it for myself... their church jargon versions of "peace", "joy", and "freedom" are such a second rate version of what those things look like in reality.

So, needless to say--but I'm going to anyhow--God has really been wrecking my world in the absolute best way possible.

You may be wondering where that leaves me and what that means for this pursuit of procreation. Let me tell ya...

Jason and I are taking this thing called infertility one day at a time. As much as I'd love to say otherwise, I don't know when or if we'll ever conceive a child. I don't know if we'll do IVF like the doctor suggested. I don't know if we'll try to adopt. I don't know if we'll foster. I literally know nothing about what the future looks like for us. And I'm at peace with that. I have a hunch that there may be some fostering in the future for us, but nothing is set in stone. We have tentatively planned to pursue IVF in the future; although, we don't know when that might happen.

For me, it's becoming less and less about what I DON'T have and more about what I already do have. I have so much love in my heart that I would completely lavish on our own child, if given the chance, but if that's not in the cards for us... I can lavish that same love onto others. That's really what it means to be a follower of Christ anyhow.

Mainly, I don't feel stressed or pressured anymore. No stress?! I know, it sounds absurd! Especially for anyone who is in the throes of infertility. I get it! Trust me; I do! To say this journey has been rough is like the understatement of the century! It is the equivalent to an emotional roller coaster to say the least. But I have came to a place of trusting God. (NOT at all easy for me!) I still have some doubts lurking back in the recesses of my mind, but they're small and they don't shout as loudly anymore. I have come to an understanding of who God is and how he loves me. I no longer feel that this infertility thing is a punishment, like I did for every stinking day of the first 2 years. I know that my heavenly Father has a plan and, while I don't know all the details, I know it's gonna be good! It's like any of the upteen million super hero movies and shows... There's a hero. There's a villain. There are many supporting characters who are both good and bad. Inevitably, there will be a conflict of some sort between said hero and villain. And the hero always wins. Sure, sometimes, there's the dramatic scene where the hero gets his butt handed to him a little, but then, there's the morale-boosting pep talk and he comes back stronger than ever and ready to take that villain down. Right? So, that's like my story. I don't know the filler details, but I know that --because of God's infinite love for me-- I will always come out on top. I'm on the winning team, y'all. As believers, we all are. Some cynical folks may say that it's blind faith and they'd be completely wrong. Blind faith is what I had before. Now that I had my literal come to Jesus meeting, I know that the end may turn out quite a bit differently than I expected, but I can be okay with whatever plot twists come my way. It may be terrible in the moment, but I can find comfort in knowing that something wonderful is up ahead.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Sidenote, if anyone would be interested... there's a book called "I Don't Wait Anymore" by Grace Thornton. That book was kind of the thing that challenged me to see things differently and start seeking God in a completely new way. I highly recommend it!

Until Next Time...

Carrying my cross

After my last blog, I contacted a Christian counselor. I needed someone to help me navigate the murky waters of infertility and how it's negatively impacting my faith. I also think there are some other things I am kind of working through still and could use some additional support.

Anyhow, I went with a male counselor... not my first choice, but I felt like I was being led to him by the Holy Spirit. I had so many reservations prior to my first visit with him. I am working on becoming a counselor myself and currently work in the mental health field so you'd think I'd be used to it and not nervous at all, but I really was. 1) I've attended counseling in the past, but the last time I seriously attended, I was like 18. 2) I've never seen a male counselor before. 3) I've never seen a "Christian counselor" before. 4) I've never talked to a male other than my husband about this process of getting pregnant.

So, yeah. I was nervous and I definitely had my reservations about it, but I still went.

My first visit with him was last Tuesday and it went really well. I was a big ball of emotions from the get-go! Ten minutes in and I was already choking back the tears. By the end, there was no holding them back. He was so great. He was very understanding much more than I thought he would be. We talked about trying to conceive for almost 2 years and the emotional roller coaster it has taken me on. We also discussed the way TTC has begun to chip away at my faith. We talked about my struggles with my faith, in general and my difficulty trusting God to take care of me and my life. I was very open about it all and he really challenged my perception of my struggling with God and made me feel more accepting of where I am with my faith. It was so hard and so heavy for that 50 or so minutes, but the next day, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I knew that counseling was exactly what my spirit and my mind had been in desperate need of.

We have our next visit on Friday... I'm already feeling in a better place than I was.

One of the things the counselor said was that he felt like much of what I was saying reminded him of Jacob in the Bible. Jacob wrestled with God. He said that I was referring to my struggles with God and my faith as a bad thing, but through Jacob wrestling with God, he received his blessing. "Maybe," he said, "Your wrestling with God is a good thing." I had never seen it in that light. At one point I said to him, "I know I need to have faith. I just wish I could have a glimpse into WHY there is this struggle."

Fast forward to yesterday... for my job, I have to meet with my supervisor each week for a check-in. I sat in her office yesterday and through our discussion I mentioned that hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant. So that sparked a conversation regarding that and we ended up having like a 30 minute conversation about it because her and her husband are TTC too as it turns out. We were able to vent to one another about the frustrations that go with TTC... like the dreaded 2WW, trying to time intercourse but also wanting it to feel more "natural" and less like an obligation, all of the emotional highs and lows, and the obsessing over every little sign or symptom your body experiences. It was really great to be able to share with somebody who gets it and is at that same place currently and somebody that you really know too. It was so freeing. She actually became emotional at one point and shared her recent struggles with me too. In that moment, it became clear to me that the counselor was right. My struggle isn't about me. It's not a punishment from God for some perceived shortcoming. It's not because I don't read my Bible enough or go to church often enough or because my husband isn't a Christian... I felt like God was sending me a message loud and clear. I am his servant and by signing up for the Christian life I agreed to let God use me in a way to bring him honor and glory. Sometimes, that glory that I can give God is by walking the hard road, getting through it, and then helping others navigate their hard roads. God is building in me, the testimony that will help others to find their own faith. He's chosen me for this honor. THIS is the cross I bear.

Matthew 16:24-25(NIV)
²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life^[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

Luke 9:23-24(NIV)
²³ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. ²⁴ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.

This is both an honor and a burden, but the Lord will help me carry it. I wasn't meant to do it alone.

So, anyhow... God is challenging my perception of this whole journey. Not that it makes it easier. It just helps me make sense of it in a way so that it doesn't destroy me. So I vented to my counselor about wanting to see a piece of God's vision for this part of my life and that was quite literally exactly what he provided. God is so awesome like that.

James 1:2-5(NIV)
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

James 4:9-10(NIV)
⁹ Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Sigh.

So, I tested AGAIN. This time on 10 DPO...another BFN. Not sure why I do this to myself. I guess the good thing is it shows I've not completely lost hope.

So, listen to this...
I also had an old friend from college who's wife just gave birth this week so that was on Facebook. Another Facebook friend just announced she's expecting her 2nd child. My aunt--she's only 3.5 years older though--is due any freaking day now with her 3rd, which was unplanned, but still a very joyous occasion. My lesbian friend from HS is roughly halfway through her pregnancy... not to mention the 2 other people on Facebook who are preggers. Oh and 1 girl at work is on maternity leave. Two more girls are pregnant. I went to a workshop/seminar this weekend... the presenter? Pregnant. Even my primary care physician and my gyno are pregnant!!!

But me? NOT pregnant. 

Can I just be honest and say that while I am very happy for all of these people in my life, I am starting to get a little pissed off that this is proving to be so difficult for us when the rest of the world is all a-buzz with their easy breezy pregnancies. Or so it seems. I feel so defeated sometimes. Like... what the heck is wrong with me that I can't accomplish what comes so damn easy for everyone else? It's really proving to be quite difficult to stay positive and optimistic. Truth be told, I feel angry with God for keeping this from me. I feel resentful toward Him of my situation. I really do.

*deep breath*

I am resolving to not count myself out just yet this month. Here it is Monday. I took my last test first thing in the morning yesterday. I'm hoping I am pregnant but my hcG levels were just low enough they weren't detected. My Fertility Friend app AND my Glow app both have my expected period set for Wednesday. I really hope it doesn't come... I'm hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers. I'm ready for my BFP to finally come.

Baby Mojo

It's been around 21 months since we started Operation Reproduction. Some women could've already had two babies and we don't yet have one... :(

We had a heart-breaking "almost". In March/April, we thought we were. My cycles usually last right at 30 days, occasionally I'll go 32 days. That's only happened twice in the last 21 months, but the last several months have been 29 or 30 days. My cycle that was due in the beginning of April was late. It was the morning of CD 34 and still no sign of AF other than very mild cramping. I told hubby and he warned me the delay might have been stress related. (My grandpa had just passed away 4 days prior.) I really thought hubby was wrong... Everything seemed different. Then, BAM! Just 3 hours later AF made her appearance. Damn. I was pretty upset, but not surprised.

On the positive side, in April I got offered a new job! It's in the field of my schooling (mental health/counseling). My first day was May 2nd and I love it so far! The benefits are awesome, the pay is good, and the flexibility is... top-knotch. When I was filling in my husband and my best girlfriend after I got the offer, one of the first things they said is that it would be a great job to have when we DO get pregnant because the set-up is pretty perfect since I essentially work from home when I am not meeting with clients. So, that is pretty exciting.

In addition to my new job, hubby also got a new job with less of a commute, better hours, better benefits, and more opportunities for promotions. He started this week and he really likes it.

One more blessing that God has brought us since my last post... a house. :) We purchased a home and moved in the beginning of March.

With God so visibly working and moving in our lives these last few months, that has helped tremendously with my patience in this process. My faith is being renewed. I know and I SEE that the Lord has a plan for us and our future family. He's moving the chess pieces to just the right spots.

Having said that, I still have "my days" when I get frustrated that God's timing isn't quicker and I start to feel sorry for myself. For example, when I get on Facebook and see that my married LESBIAN friend has conceived before me... Say what?! Not only do they have extra "barriers" that Hubby and I don't have, but we had a 7 month headstart on this whole baby-making venture. I grumbled in my spirit and sulked in my envy for a couple of days before coming back to earth and realizing that God's plan for me is different than for others... and that's okay. It's not a competition... even though it feels like it sometimes!

Still, I am optimistic that a pregnancy will happen this year. I told my husband we needed to do something to bring in the "baby mojo". I told him I wanted to paint the room of the house that we have already designated as the future nursery. I thought he might think I was nuts, but he actually agreed to it AND he helped me pick out a color. We opted for something gender-neutral and something that doesn't scream "nursery". That way if other people come visit, they won't think we've lost our minds or that we're going to kidnap their kids. Tomorrow, we're going to start painting it! I'm excited! It makes it seem more tangible. I'll post pictures when it's finished.

So, I think we're in a good place right now and I'm trusting God's timing...

Letting go and letting God.

I was really disappointed and upset last week. After being off the pill since September with no success, in July we dramatically kicked up the frequency of our "baby-dancing" performances. Around day 7 after ovulation, I started experiencing some slight nausea and I was certain that was a good sign that our efforts had finally proven to be fruitful. However, once again, I was wrong. Aunt Flo showed up a day later than my app projected and she showed up with a fury...

So, when the intense period cramps started coming Tuesday night, I knew that it wasn't going to happen for us this month. Then, I started feeling really disappointed... which turned into sadness... which turned into feeling really frustrated/annoyed... which turned into feeling like a failure... AGAIN. The same old song and dance, but then... a new feeling... anger with God. I felt mad at God and hurt that he was "holding out on me". Then I thought, Maybe this is punishment for all of the stupid stuff and bad decisions I made in my past. Surely, God is teaching me a lesson of some sort. 

It turns out, God was teaching me a lesson, but not like I was thinking. As if to answer my unspoken questions, God brought to mind a recent sermon from church. Just that prior Sunday, my church began a sermon series on "God is Good" and the different names of God. That first week we discussed how God's name is "Yahweh-nissi" (Exodus 17:9-15) which means God is our banner. So long as we are under the banner of Jesus, we have victory. In spite of this, many Christians still feel like they are nowhere near victorious in their lives. Pastor E challenged us to stop and reflect on which "camp" we're in... talking about how the Israelite men were led away from God and brought a curse upon themselves when they began to worship the idols of Moab (Numbers 23:5 through 25:3). "So," Pastor said, "What tent are you in? What do you worship?"

Later in the message, Pastor referenced Exodus 3 and said, "We have victory in surrender. We fail when we try to do it without God."  And then, he said, something deeply profound that stuck with me, "God can't fully be 'I AM' until I fully realize that 'I am not'." 

Sorry to derail, but that was an important part of the story, I promise.

So, as I lay on my bed with the husband holding me as I cry my frustrations into my pillow, God brings this to mind. During that prior service, I began to feel the Holy Spirit gently speaking to me, but I pushed it away. However, in that moment of brokenness, God's voice came ringing through, "This is your idol, Amber." Images of my tireless dedication to this thing called "TTC" flashed into my mind. The very first thing, before I am even coherent, I grab the pink thermometer from the top of my night stand and wait for the reading that I then enter into my app. Every day. Period? Put it in the app. Unusual symptoms? Put it in the app. Have sex? Put it in the app. I became keenly aware of how I probably spent WAY more time in my fertility friend app than I did in prayer or reading my bible. 

I felt convicted. 

I remembered hearing how God is "a jealous God". Here's the scripture that comes from...

"Do not make an idol for yourself, whether in the shape of anything in the heavens above or on the earth below or in the waters under the earth. You must not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the fathers’ sin, to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing faithful love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commands." Exodus 20:4-6 (HSCB)

I knew in my heart this was the truth of the matter. Having a baby had become my god and I paid homage to it every single day and throughout the day. I served it with total devotion and I knew I would never reach the next level in my relationship with Christ so long as my hypothetical babies came first. 

So... much as it has pained me to do so, I have decide to take a leap of faith and trust God to fulfill his promises. I have given God control of my job and my relationships, but this thing was so precious to me, I felt like I couldn't afford to let God take control. The truth is, we can't afford to NOT let God take control. 

In my morning quiet time, I recalled something I'd read in the bible that led me to this verse, "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." 

I still believe God wants me to be a mother, but maybe God's will is not for that to happen when I want it to happen--which, ideally, would have been months ago! :) So, I have decided to not monitor my BBT anymore and I am trying to stay off my app entirely. I'm learning that trusting in God also means trusting in His timing. He IS in the baby-making business; he invented it afterall! 

"Then God remembered Rachel. He listened to her and opened her womb." -Genesis 30:22 (HSCB)

"...And consider your relative Elizabeth—even she has conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called childless. For nothing will be impossible with God.” -Luke 1:36-37 (HSCB)