The 7 stages of grief

It's 2017... YAY! Time to close the chapter of 2016, but before I do, allow me to reflect a little...

The last 12 months of this journey to motherhood, I think I have experienced all 7 stages of grief--sometimes cycling through all 7 in a matter of a week!

Check out the visual...

I can safely say that most days I am wavering between #6 and #7. While, I have come to the place of accepting my situation for what it is, I still have moments when I wonder "what if". What if I miraculously conceived on my own? What if another 2 years go by and I'm not any closer to having a child in my arms? What if literally all of my family and friends have children and I'm the only one who doesn't? What if we decide to spend the money on IVF and it's unsuccessful? Maybe the most painful one is... What if it's not in God's will for me to have a child at all?

Those questions still loom in the recesses of my mind from time to time. And when they inevitably float into consciousness, they still sting. Thankfully, that happens less and less. Also, the sting of the hurt from those questions has become much less painful. I am thankful that God is healing my heart and growing my capacity to trust him to know what is best for me. I no longer see this infertility struggle as a punishment. It's just part of my story. The story that involves becoming more and more like Jesus and ends with eternity in heaven. Someone said once that everything this side of heaven prepares us for our purpose in eternity; so... maybe mine will have something to do with loving children. Who knows...

Until next time...

My awakening

It's been about a month and half since my last blog post on here. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and inner healing lately and it's been nothing short of magnificent.

I found a ministry in the metro area called "Dance Again Ministries" and it has been awesome to see and experience God using that ministry as a way of breaking spiritual lies and the accompanying bondage. Not only that, but God has been revealing himself to me in ways I've never before experienced. There really are no words to describe how incredibly liberating this whole spiritual endeavor has become. For the first time in many many months, I truly feel at peace. I also can safely say that I finally feel JOY in my life. When churchy-folk talk about the freedom found in Christ... Wow! Now that I have tasted it for myself... their church jargon versions of "peace", "joy", and "freedom" are such a second rate version of what those things look like in reality.

So, needless to say--but I'm going to anyhow--God has really been wrecking my world in the absolute best way possible.

You may be wondering where that leaves me and what that means for this pursuit of procreation. Let me tell ya...

Jason and I are taking this thing called infertility one day at a time. As much as I'd love to say otherwise, I don't know when or if we'll ever conceive a child. I don't know if we'll do IVF like the doctor suggested. I don't know if we'll try to adopt. I don't know if we'll foster. I literally know nothing about what the future looks like for us. And I'm at peace with that. I have a hunch that there may be some fostering in the future for us, but nothing is set in stone. We have tentatively planned to pursue IVF in the future; although, we don't know when that might happen.

For me, it's becoming less and less about what I DON'T have and more about what I already do have. I have so much love in my heart that I would completely lavish on our own child, if given the chance, but if that's not in the cards for us... I can lavish that same love onto others. That's really what it means to be a follower of Christ anyhow.

Mainly, I don't feel stressed or pressured anymore. No stress?! I know, it sounds absurd! Especially for anyone who is in the throes of infertility. I get it! Trust me; I do! To say this journey has been rough is like the understatement of the century! It is the equivalent to an emotional roller coaster to say the least. But I have came to a place of trusting God. (NOT at all easy for me!) I still have some doubts lurking back in the recesses of my mind, but they're small and they don't shout as loudly anymore. I have come to an understanding of who God is and how he loves me. I no longer feel that this infertility thing is a punishment, like I did for every stinking day of the first 2 years. I know that my heavenly Father has a plan and, while I don't know all the details, I know it's gonna be good! It's like any of the upteen million super hero movies and shows... There's a hero. There's a villain. There are many supporting characters who are both good and bad. Inevitably, there will be a conflict of some sort between said hero and villain. And the hero always wins. Sure, sometimes, there's the dramatic scene where the hero gets his butt handed to him a little, but then, there's the morale-boosting pep talk and he comes back stronger than ever and ready to take that villain down. Right? So, that's like my story. I don't know the filler details, but I know that --because of God's infinite love for me-- I will always come out on top. I'm on the winning team, y'all. As believers, we all are. Some cynical folks may say that it's blind faith and they'd be completely wrong. Blind faith is what I had before. Now that I had my literal come to Jesus meeting, I know that the end may turn out quite a bit differently than I expected, but I can be okay with whatever plot twists come my way. It may be terrible in the moment, but I can find comfort in knowing that something wonderful is up ahead.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Sidenote, if anyone would be interested... there's a book called "I Don't Wait Anymore" by Grace Thornton. That book was kind of the thing that challenged me to see things differently and start seeking God in a completely new way. I highly recommend it!

Until Next Time...

Nothingness.

It's been about a month since I got the bad news at the appointment for the HSG.

I have felt pretty aimless lately. Just when I think my emotions have run the gamut and there are no surprises left in this infertility saga... Well, turns out I'm wrong. I wasn't prepared for the hollow feeling left lurking after the long held visions and dreams have been savagely ripped from me. I wasn't ready for that vacant feeling. I wasn't ready for apathy.

My cycle came yesterday and I didn't even bat an eye. No sting of disappointment. No anger. None of it. It was just like every other period prior to getting off birth control. ...And I don't quite know what to do with that. Part of me is relieved to not have to obsess over every little detail and ride the emotional roller coaster of "TTC"; then, another part of me feels sad that I've gotten to the point of not admitting defeat.

I feel like I have... Like I am. I'm feeling more and more like the reality of ever having a child is drifting further and further out of reach and all I can do is just watch it happen.

Ugh. This crap sucks.


Until Next Time...

Bad news bears

My HSG appointment was earlier today. It was a rough one.

The doctor went over the results of the test afterward and he basically laid out that our chances of conceiving were not very good. Even worse, the chance that if we WERE able to conceive, there is about a 50/50 chance it would be an ectopic (aka tubal) pregnancy. Basically, one fallopian tube is "irreparably damaged" and the other is kinda deformed. (Salpingitis isthmica nodosa, that's the clinical term for what is going on with my right fallopian tube.) He said he would suggest we not try naturally conceiving as it would be high risk for ectopic pregnancy. He suggested we go straight to IVF... which, for those who have not been "fortunate" enough to experience the crap-hole of infertility, is about a $15,000 procedure with a 60% success rate.

I feel so defeated.

I called J as soon as I got to the car and I basically broke down. I told him it was bad news, but I didn't mention the specifics. I told him we'd discuss tonight. I could hear the mixture of sorrow and pity in his voice and it crushed me. I feel like a failure. I feel broken... in so many ways. I feel hollow. And I feel confused... shocked. I'm still wearing my hospital bracelet. I need it to remind me that this is real life and this really just happened.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and nurture life and build a family. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to feel like I may never obtain that now.

I don't know where to go from here...
We could really use your prayers in this difficult time.

Until next time...

Waiting

*deep breath*

Okay. I finished my Clomid. Now, I'm waiting for the HSG to be performed on Wednesday. I've been doing some research on what it is and how it's performed. In my research, I happened upon a positive side effect of the procedure... Apparently, it can greatly increase the likelihood of conception. Not sure how or why, but so many people on the message board say that they tried for 2 or 3 years before getting an HSG and then, BAM!, pregnant. I hope so! Gosh, do I hope! That would be so wonderful.

Anyhow, the Clomid was fine. No real issues. I did notice that last day some heightened emotions (i.e. choking up at a random TV show), but nothing more than that.

That's about all for now... I'm just waiting. Story of my friggin' life!

Until next time...

Phase 2.

Last week I went for the first round of bloodwork. They looked at my insulin, A1C hemoglobin, and all of that type of stuff. Everything came back normal. The doctor believes that I have a slight resistance to insulin so I will start on Metformin to help with that the beginning of October.

In the meantime, I started my cycle and notified the doc. The office scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound to check my ovaries, uterus, and related lady parts. So, that was today. It wasn't that bad. The worst part was when she was trying to get a look at my ovaries. My left one was not cooperating and she had great difficulty looking at it in the ultrasound. She was probing me with that freaking wand and it was painful!

After, I finished with the ultrasound, the doctor did an exam and went over the ultrasound pics with me. He told me that (due to my weight) it was difficult to get great detail on the pics to determine egg count but he could get a pretty good idea by testing some hormones and they'll recheck my eggs as I get closer to ovulation and they grow. So far everything else has come back normal. (Thank you, Jesus!)

J still has to get his test done and I'm starting to wonder if the problem isn't with him after all. I haven't yet vocalized my concerns to him. I don't want this to become a blame game because we are a team in this. So, we're just waiting to see.

Anyhow, the doctor did prescribe me Clomid in addition to the Metformin. I am supposed to start today. I am excited, but a little nervous. The Clomid is supposed to help with consistent ovulation and also is supposed to encourage multiple eggs to release, thus increasing the likelihood of conception. I'm excited because I feel hopeful it could help, but I'm nervous because I've heard these hormones can really screw with your emotions and such.

The plan is for me to take the Clomid the next 5 days or so. Then, next Wednesday, I go for the "HSG" which is where they'll inject dye into my uterus and take an x-ray to find out if my fallopian tubes have any obstructions. The following day, I'll start with the ovulation prediction kits and monitor for an LH surge.

So, that's where we stand... I'm feeling more encouraged than I have felt in a while. I'm starting to think this could really happen... FINALLY. I love the people at the clinic say, "When you get pregnant..." that helps me to also feel more optimistic about this process.

After today, I am mentally preparing myself for the physical pain that may accompany this process. The doctor warned me the next procedure can be a little painful so they're prescribing me prescription strength ibuprofen to take 30 minutes before the procedure. (Eek!) But no pain, no gain, right?

Until next time...

Doctor's orders

My appointment with the fertility doctor was yesterday. It was relatively painless... :)

He ordered blood work for me and a semen analysis for J.  He said because I'm overweight, he just wants to check some additional hormones, my insulin levels, and blood sugar levels. So, I'm going in for a fasting blood test this morning. Even though, my blood sugar and all of that has never been a problem before, I admit I am a little nervous that it may come back poorly.  We'll see... The doctor said I don't have a lot of the symptoms associated with being overweight, but he wants to verify that it's not lurking underneath the surface, so to speak. They are doing a "rush" on the blood work so if there is anything off or any concerns, they'll know and I should hear something tomorrow or Monday. So, at least, I won't have to wait forever to find out.

They also told me that since my period is due any day, I will need to call the clinic and go in while I am still bleeding so they can do an ultrasound and monitor my egg count. They'll also do an X-ray to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked. Once, they get the results of those initial test, we'll move forward.

Anyhow, for the first time, I felt really validated in my concerns. He gave us so much information and was so extremely helpful and very kind. Even with the issue of my weight, he was very tactful and not shaming like some doctors are. He did say that even though he doesn't think the weight is the real issue, he suggests I try to lose a few pounds just to make the pregnancy easier on my body.

So, I plan to go join a gym up the road and also really give my eating habits some attention.

That's that. I hope to have more direction and answers by the end of next week, but I definitely feel like we're taking steps in the right direction. I'm hopeful that we can get the answers and (MAYBE) get a positive pregnancy test by Christmas. Fingers crossed.

Until next time...