Plans

So, my birthday was earlier this week. I'm now 31. It feels weird to say that...

It's crazy how I always had ideas in my head of where I'd be at 30 or what my life would look like and I feel so far from those visions...
I pictured being married and comfortably established in my marriage with a quaint little home and two or three kids bouncing around the house with a couple of dogs playing in the yard. I NEVER thought I'd be 31 and still not even pregnant. I really thought I'd be done with babies by now. I kind of expected to have my first around 22, my second around 25 or 26, and IF I wanted a 3rd that I'd be 28 or so when it was born. I had a plan.

But... plans change.

My first husband ended up being a complete jerk and was abusive in many ways so, ultimately, I knew he could never be "daddy material" much as I tried to hang in there and wait for him to "grow up" and change, it never happened. I finally left his sorry behind when I was 25. I was already 3 years behind schedule. I met my current husband shortly after leaving the ex and, after 2 years of dating, he put a ring on it and I was over the moon because I knew in my heart he'd be a great husband and an awesome dad someday.

It's been 3 and a half years since the proposal and just shy of two years since our wedding and I am still waiting for that someday to come.

I do feel pretty helpless sometimes. I also feel pretty angry. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, I can't imagine I'm alone in this... I think about how much it was beat into my head as a teenager about "one slip up" is all it takes and you're pregnant. Especially when that is EXACTLY what happened with my mom! I am a direct result of her losing her virginity. She literally had sex ONCE and got pregnant. Do you have any idea how infuriating that is for someone in my shoes???

I'm not going to lie. Sometimes it feels like I am being punished in some way or like my mom used all of the good fertility genes. I don't know. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the thought has crossed my mind before.

I also think getting pregnant is WAY more difficult as an adult. There just isn't enough time or energy sometimes to get the baby-dancing in. (At least for me and hubby!)

Anyhow... so here I am 31. No baby. Even worse, the day before my birthday, my cycle comes. Yay. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature. Can't catch a break for trying! Lol!

Well, there's always next month, I guess.

Until Next Time...

My awesome husband

We painted "the nursery" last weekend. It just needs to be painted along the ceiling. It looks great so far.

This cycle I deliberately decided to not baby-dance with the husband when I knew I was close to or ON ovulation day. I am not sure why. I know part of the reason was because I was thinking about finances. We're good, but since I started a new job May 2nd and I wouldn't be eligible for FMLA (12 week maternity leave) until I hit the 1 year mark. 

Anyhow, after the fact, I discussed it with hubby and he pretty much told me to chill and it'll work out. I love that my normally somewhat pessimistic husband has been incredibly positive and encouraging during this process! Every time I feel upset that it hasn't happened yet, he always is very reassuring. 

...Another thing...

After I got out of class today, I decided to do some browsing at the craft stores. I was at JoAnn Fabrics and about to leave empty-handed when I spotted this ADORABLE fabric. It's baby flannel fabric with little woodland creatures on it. Then, I saw it was 60% off. I just couldn't pass it up. I decided to buy a couple of yards. I was really happy and proud of my little find, but I was also feeling a little embarrassed by it. I texted a picture to my best girlfriend... her response was cautionary. I get it, but NOT what I was wanting. Later tonight, hubby called and I told him the story. Once again, he was really open to it and wasn't at all phased by my insanity. Lol!

I texted him the picture following our convo and he told me he liked it. I asked if he thought it was weird for me to buy baby fabric. He said no and was again... just very reaffirming. I think he was more okay with it than I was really. I guess I feel like a crazy person buying stuff and painting a room for a baby that doesn't exist yet. 

Until next time...

Baby Mojo

It's been around 21 months since we started Operation Reproduction. Some women could've already had two babies and we don't yet have one... :(

We had a heart-breaking "almost". In March/April, we thought we were. My cycles usually last right at 30 days, occasionally I'll go 32 days. That's only happened twice in the last 21 months, but the last several months have been 29 or 30 days. My cycle that was due in the beginning of April was late. It was the morning of CD 34 and still no sign of AF other than very mild cramping. I told hubby and he warned me the delay might have been stress related. (My grandpa had just passed away 4 days prior.) I really thought hubby was wrong... Everything seemed different. Then, BAM! Just 3 hours later AF made her appearance. Damn. I was pretty upset, but not surprised.

On the positive side, in April I got offered a new job! It's in the field of my schooling (mental health/counseling). My first day was May 2nd and I love it so far! The benefits are awesome, the pay is good, and the flexibility is... top-knotch. When I was filling in my husband and my best girlfriend after I got the offer, one of the first things they said is that it would be a great job to have when we DO get pregnant because the set-up is pretty perfect since I essentially work from home when I am not meeting with clients. So, that is pretty exciting.

In addition to my new job, hubby also got a new job with less of a commute, better hours, better benefits, and more opportunities for promotions. He started this week and he really likes it.

One more blessing that God has brought us since my last post... a house. :) We purchased a home and moved in the beginning of March.

With God so visibly working and moving in our lives these last few months, that has helped tremendously with my patience in this process. My faith is being renewed. I know and I SEE that the Lord has a plan for us and our future family. He's moving the chess pieces to just the right spots.

Having said that, I still have "my days" when I get frustrated that God's timing isn't quicker and I start to feel sorry for myself. For example, when I get on Facebook and see that my married LESBIAN friend has conceived before me... Say what?! Not only do they have extra "barriers" that Hubby and I don't have, but we had a 7 month headstart on this whole baby-making venture. I grumbled in my spirit and sulked in my envy for a couple of days before coming back to earth and realizing that God's plan for me is different than for others... and that's okay. It's not a competition... even though it feels like it sometimes!

Still, I am optimistic that a pregnancy will happen this year. I told my husband we needed to do something to bring in the "baby mojo". I told him I wanted to paint the room of the house that we have already designated as the future nursery. I thought he might think I was nuts, but he actually agreed to it AND he helped me pick out a color. We opted for something gender-neutral and something that doesn't scream "nursery". That way if other people come visit, they won't think we've lost our minds or that we're going to kidnap their kids. Tomorrow, we're going to start painting it! I'm excited! It makes it seem more tangible. I'll post pictures when it's finished.

So, I think we're in a good place right now and I'm trusting God's timing...

15 months and counting

We've now been off the pill for almost 15 months.

For the most part, I'm doing okay. I do have my days where it's hard on me though. The upcoming holidays make it particularly difficult on me. I just keep thinking about how much I'd hoped we'd be sharing the holidays with a new baby or expecting a little one at least.

I had my infertility appointment with the OB-GYN and she said that it seems like I'm ovulating normally and everything seems at first glance to be normal. She is ordering some tests to be done just to make sure. On the 3rd day of my next cycle, I have to go get my hormone levels tested. They're also going to check out my eggs to see how they look. They also are having J give a sperm sample to check sperm count and motility.

Because this is something I've been struggling with, particularly in the context of my faith, I decided to share my struggle with a couple of people in my small group. One of whom is a much older male (think senior citizen). I chose to tell him because he is a real prayer warrior. The way he prays is amazing and I wanted him to pray for me. Last night, I asked him if he'd pray for me. Later, he got out the anointing oil and he, his wife, and the married couple that leads the group all gathered around me and prayed over me. The anointing oil was a first for me. But it was a cool experience and I feel much better about it today. I feel a sense of relief after that. So, we'll see how God responds...

Holes

I have no news. I'm bummed. I feel so hopeless sometimes. My heart aches for a baby to love and my arms yearn for a child to hold. It's killing me. I am so tired of waiting. It's been a year now with no success and I find myself doubting that it can/will ever happen for us. I don't even know how I feel. It's like there's a hole in my soul...

Day by day

Since making the decision to not obsess over every little detail of this baby-making adventure, my stress level has gone down dramatically and I feel great about it. It is one less thing to worry about every day. 

So, I have logged into my fertility app a handful of times this cycle. I know it had projected my ovulation date to be last Saturday based of my prior cycles. We did do the baby dance that day, but it wasn't intentional like in past months. 

The only things I have noticed are that my boobs have been SUPER sensitive since around 5 or 6 DPO. I also have noticed that --even though I've lost about 13 lbs-- my belly looks more bloated and full than it did before. I don't know. It could just be that I am losing weight everywhere except my belly making my belly look bigger. 

Other than that... no news on the homefront. 

Until next time... 

Baby Steps

I am still making a point to NOT take my temperature every morning. I have logged onto my Fertility Friend app maybe 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks, which is a big deal for me considering I was logging in AT LEAST once a day if not more. 

I have been trying to have faith and trust in God's timing for all of this. I know He is in control of all things and there is nothing too big or too small for God. And I will say, I have had more peace since making the decision to give this area over to Him instead of trying to micromanage it. God has been working on me and bringing me closer to Him. So that has helped dramatically, but I still think about it and worry a little. I don't think I will ever FULLY relax until it actually happens... Maybe not even then! Ha! I pray for a baby. I also pray for our Lord to give me peace in the waiting period and to trust in His promises. Jesus knows that patience has never been a real asset for me! I always struggle in that, but I am trying. Pardon the pun, but... Baby steps. 

So, I know my usual ov date is around CD 17, which is supposed to be this weekend. We'll see if this month is more fruitful. Honestly, I am not sweating it too much though because now that the husband and I have booked a trip to Hawaii, I'm okay if we don't get preggers until after the trip. As my best friend pointed out, "You don't know how pregnancy will affect you and the last thing you want is to be miserable with morning sickness when you're in Hawaii." So true. 

Anyhow, I have my annual exam coming up. I need to get that scheduled for next month. I plan to talk to her about the baby-making thing. We'll see if she has any tips or if we make any discoveries. Part of me worries that I may have undiagnosed PCOS because I do have several of the symptoms, but time will tell. 

So, that's that. Not much else to say as of now. I'll update after my doctor visit, if not before then.

Until next time...