Sigh.

So, I tested AGAIN. This time on 10 DPO...another BFN. Not sure why I do this to myself. I guess the good thing is it shows I've not completely lost hope.

So, listen to this...
I also had an old friend from college who's wife just gave birth this week so that was on Facebook. Another Facebook friend just announced she's expecting her 2nd child. My aunt--she's only 3.5 years older though--is due any freaking day now with her 3rd, which was unplanned, but still a very joyous occasion. My lesbian friend from HS is roughly halfway through her pregnancy... not to mention the 2 other people on Facebook who are preggers. Oh and 1 girl at work is on maternity leave. Two more girls are pregnant. I went to a workshop/seminar this weekend... the presenter? Pregnant. Even my primary care physician and my gyno are pregnant!!!

But me? NOT pregnant. 

Can I just be honest and say that while I am very happy for all of these people in my life, I am starting to get a little pissed off that this is proving to be so difficult for us when the rest of the world is all a-buzz with their easy breezy pregnancies. Or so it seems. I feel so defeated sometimes. Like... what the heck is wrong with me that I can't accomplish what comes so damn easy for everyone else? It's really proving to be quite difficult to stay positive and optimistic. Truth be told, I feel angry with God for keeping this from me. I feel resentful toward Him of my situation. I really do.

*deep breath*

I am resolving to not count myself out just yet this month. Here it is Monday. I took my last test first thing in the morning yesterday. I'm hoping I am pregnant but my hcG levels were just low enough they weren't detected. My Fertility Friend app AND my Glow app both have my expected period set for Wednesday. I really hope it doesn't come... I'm hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers. I'm ready for my BFP to finally come.

Patience is a virtue

I am not sure if these TTC sites and apps are doing more harm than good or what. I was on my Glow app and was reading some of the board posts. A few ladies were like 6-8 DPO and tested and got a positive result. That made me want to test even more to find out. So I went and bought some early response tests yesterday and took one this morning. Nope. BFN. But I am still remaining hopeful.

When I put that I tested on my Fertility Friend app, it popped up a little tidbit about testing too early and what they have discovered through researching other women's charts on their apps. It said the best time to test for most women is after 10 DPO, and particularly on the actual day your cycle is due to start.

I visited www.twoweekwait.com at the suggestion of another poster and posted a question on their boards about DPO and testing. So far, everyone who has replied that has received their BFP, tested after on day 10 with one gal testing on day 12. Today is 8DPO for me.

Patience is really not one of my strong points.

Oh... sidenote... I work in the mental health field, working with kids. Today one of my 14 yo girl clients says out of the blue, "You'll be a great mom when you have kids." I thought... "Hun, if you only knew!" Still it was great hearing someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level say that.

Back at it...

This cycle was back on the wagon as far as ovulation testing and giving it our best at timing the baby-dancing to optimize our chance of success. I'm currently 6 DPO. I've been having super duper sore breasts pretty much since ovulation passed. That's really the only noticeable symptom thus far, which could go either way. It's either early PMS or pregnancy. Fingers crossed for the latter. I'm feeling really hopeful this cycle... I am not sure why exactly, but I am. AF is due to arrive next Wednesday so we should know soon enough!

Until next time...

Plans

So, my birthday was earlier this week. I'm now 31. It feels weird to say that...

It's crazy how I always had ideas in my head of where I'd be at 30 or what my life would look like and I feel so far from those visions...
I pictured being married and comfortably established in my marriage with a quaint little home and two or three kids bouncing around the house with a couple of dogs playing in the yard. I NEVER thought I'd be 31 and still not even pregnant. I really thought I'd be done with babies by now. I kind of expected to have my first around 22, my second around 25 or 26, and IF I wanted a 3rd that I'd be 28 or so when it was born. I had a plan.

But... plans change.

My first husband ended up being a complete jerk and was abusive in many ways so, ultimately, I knew he could never be "daddy material" much as I tried to hang in there and wait for him to "grow up" and change, it never happened. I finally left his sorry behind when I was 25. I was already 3 years behind schedule. I met my current husband shortly after leaving the ex and, after 2 years of dating, he put a ring on it and I was over the moon because I knew in my heart he'd be a great husband and an awesome dad someday.

It's been 3 and a half years since the proposal and just shy of two years since our wedding and I am still waiting for that someday to come.

I do feel pretty helpless sometimes. I also feel pretty angry. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, I can't imagine I'm alone in this... I think about how much it was beat into my head as a teenager about "one slip up" is all it takes and you're pregnant. Especially when that is EXACTLY what happened with my mom! I am a direct result of her losing her virginity. She literally had sex ONCE and got pregnant. Do you have any idea how infuriating that is for someone in my shoes???

I'm not going to lie. Sometimes it feels like I am being punished in some way or like my mom used all of the good fertility genes. I don't know. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the thought has crossed my mind before.

I also think getting pregnant is WAY more difficult as an adult. There just isn't enough time or energy sometimes to get the baby-dancing in. (At least for me and hubby!)

Anyhow... so here I am 31. No baby. Even worse, the day before my birthday, my cycle comes. Yay. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature. Can't catch a break for trying! Lol!

Well, there's always next month, I guess.

Until Next Time...

My awesome husband

We painted "the nursery" last weekend. It just needs to be painted along the ceiling. It looks great so far.

This cycle I deliberately decided to not baby-dance with the husband when I knew I was close to or ON ovulation day. I am not sure why. I know part of the reason was because I was thinking about finances. We're good, but since I started a new job May 2nd and I wouldn't be eligible for FMLA (12 week maternity leave) until I hit the 1 year mark. 

Anyhow, after the fact, I discussed it with hubby and he pretty much told me to chill and it'll work out. I love that my normally somewhat pessimistic husband has been incredibly positive and encouraging during this process! Every time I feel upset that it hasn't happened yet, he always is very reassuring. 

...Another thing...

After I got out of class today, I decided to do some browsing at the craft stores. I was at JoAnn Fabrics and about to leave empty-handed when I spotted this ADORABLE fabric. It's baby flannel fabric with little woodland creatures on it. Then, I saw it was 60% off. I just couldn't pass it up. I decided to buy a couple of yards. I was really happy and proud of my little find, but I was also feeling a little embarrassed by it. I texted a picture to my best girlfriend... her response was cautionary. I get it, but NOT what I was wanting. Later tonight, hubby called and I told him the story. Once again, he was really open to it and wasn't at all phased by my insanity. Lol!

I texted him the picture following our convo and he told me he liked it. I asked if he thought it was weird for me to buy baby fabric. He said no and was again... just very reaffirming. I think he was more okay with it than I was really. I guess I feel like a crazy person buying stuff and painting a room for a baby that doesn't exist yet. 

Until next time...

Baby Mojo

It's been around 21 months since we started Operation Reproduction. Some women could've already had two babies and we don't yet have one... :(

We had a heart-breaking "almost". In March/April, we thought we were. My cycles usually last right at 30 days, occasionally I'll go 32 days. That's only happened twice in the last 21 months, but the last several months have been 29 or 30 days. My cycle that was due in the beginning of April was late. It was the morning of CD 34 and still no sign of AF other than very mild cramping. I told hubby and he warned me the delay might have been stress related. (My grandpa had just passed away 4 days prior.) I really thought hubby was wrong... Everything seemed different. Then, BAM! Just 3 hours later AF made her appearance. Damn. I was pretty upset, but not surprised.

On the positive side, in April I got offered a new job! It's in the field of my schooling (mental health/counseling). My first day was May 2nd and I love it so far! The benefits are awesome, the pay is good, and the flexibility is... top-knotch. When I was filling in my husband and my best girlfriend after I got the offer, one of the first things they said is that it would be a great job to have when we DO get pregnant because the set-up is pretty perfect since I essentially work from home when I am not meeting with clients. So, that is pretty exciting.

In addition to my new job, hubby also got a new job with less of a commute, better hours, better benefits, and more opportunities for promotions. He started this week and he really likes it.

One more blessing that God has brought us since my last post... a house. :) We purchased a home and moved in the beginning of March.

With God so visibly working and moving in our lives these last few months, that has helped tremendously with my patience in this process. My faith is being renewed. I know and I SEE that the Lord has a plan for us and our future family. He's moving the chess pieces to just the right spots.

Having said that, I still have "my days" when I get frustrated that God's timing isn't quicker and I start to feel sorry for myself. For example, when I get on Facebook and see that my married LESBIAN friend has conceived before me... Say what?! Not only do they have extra "barriers" that Hubby and I don't have, but we had a 7 month headstart on this whole baby-making venture. I grumbled in my spirit and sulked in my envy for a couple of days before coming back to earth and realizing that God's plan for me is different than for others... and that's okay. It's not a competition... even though it feels like it sometimes!

Still, I am optimistic that a pregnancy will happen this year. I told my husband we needed to do something to bring in the "baby mojo". I told him I wanted to paint the room of the house that we have already designated as the future nursery. I thought he might think I was nuts, but he actually agreed to it AND he helped me pick out a color. We opted for something gender-neutral and something that doesn't scream "nursery". That way if other people come visit, they won't think we've lost our minds or that we're going to kidnap their kids. Tomorrow, we're going to start painting it! I'm excited! It makes it seem more tangible. I'll post pictures when it's finished.

So, I think we're in a good place right now and I'm trusting God's timing...

15 months and counting

We've now been off the pill for almost 15 months.

For the most part, I'm doing okay. I do have my days where it's hard on me though. The upcoming holidays make it particularly difficult on me. I just keep thinking about how much I'd hoped we'd be sharing the holidays with a new baby or expecting a little one at least.

I had my infertility appointment with the OB-GYN and she said that it seems like I'm ovulating normally and everything seems at first glance to be normal. She is ordering some tests to be done just to make sure. On the 3rd day of my next cycle, I have to go get my hormone levels tested. They're also going to check out my eggs to see how they look. They also are having J give a sperm sample to check sperm count and motility.

Because this is something I've been struggling with, particularly in the context of my faith, I decided to share my struggle with a couple of people in my small group. One of whom is a much older male (think senior citizen). I chose to tell him because he is a real prayer warrior. The way he prays is amazing and I wanted him to pray for me. Last night, I asked him if he'd pray for me. Later, he got out the anointing oil and he, his wife, and the married couple that leads the group all gathered around me and prayed over me. The anointing oil was a first for me. But it was a cool experience and I feel much better about it today. I feel a sense of relief after that. So, we'll see how God responds...